It is a wonderful Monday afternoon, I am sitting on my bed with my laptop in front of the opened window and the gentle breeze that rushes through my room. As I got up I decided to watch an episode of Sex and the City, I do not necessarily know why I chose the Episode ‘I Love a Charade’ but it seemed to turn out being an inspiration, and describing, just as usual, my complete emotional thoughts.
While I got through the motions and the emotions of life I slowly come to face the inevitable truth that maybe there is actually not enough love for all of us. Walking through the streets and watching happy couples kissing and holding hands and laughing makes me aware of the things that I am really missing. Since two weeks my best friend Kristen is now in a relationship and all of a sudden I have to face that I am the only single in my group, and some days I really think that I might end up single forever. So I sit here and ask myself: ‘Why do we look for feelings and the perfect relationship when we can have a good one with less feelings but without the actual feeling of being alone?’.
I had a few of this kind of relationships where you like the partner, but do not necessarily love him and feel safe with him on your side but then somehow I felt like there was something fundamentally missing and left out, on my side. I do not know why I think of feel or behave that way, but don’t we all want to be in love? Real love? You know, I do not want to get caught up in a relationship without the so-called Zsa Zsa Zsu, as Carrie Bradshaw described it.
I want butterflies in my stomach, I want this flurry feeling of seeing someone, I want to splutter because I am nervous the HE is with me and I cannot think of seeing someone without wanting to just look at him and not saying anything at all, because of what I feel. People do say, I am hopelessly romantic and not being realistic but when it comes to love is there any realistic part? Is love really realistic, at all? Why not being romantic when it actually feels good and makes you happy and gets you butterflies in your stomach that do not seem to stop flying and you feel like fainting and wanting to lie in his arms and never let go of him, ever.
No matter what people say, I will never lose that romantic parts in me that looks for the real love, for the fundamental feeling of wanting to give your life for someone, for this special someone that breaks the core. I do not settle down without being really, realistically, hopelessly in love, because, yes, it may be good to have a partner and feeling safe in a good relationship with less feelings, but why, if you can even have a perfect one with emotional up and downs, emotional breakthroughs and someone who breaks your core and shakes it so you never come to a standstill.
Just to describe it in the wonderful words of Carrie Bradshaw…some people are settling down, some are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies…and I am one of those refusing to settle for anything less than butterflies in my stomach when my eyes meet HIS gaze.