Archive for January 2, 2010
This entry is a letter dedicated to my ex-boyfriend and it contains things I should have said a long time ago, emotions I should have gotten rid a while ago and tears that I can’t cry anymore. It is something that has to be done now that a new year has arrived and it is about time to start a new chapter in my life. If you read through this – anyone of you – then listen to the song I posted below during reading this piece of my heart because it is what I did listen to during writing it.
I have waited over one and a half years for you to finally do what you had to since more than three years but you did not do anything at all except for finding excuses to not come around. You have let me down more than once and I can’t cope with being left over anymore any single day of my life. I gave you my everything. I gave you my all and now I am sitting here in front of my notebook crying my heart out and realizing that I’ve got nothing left anymore.
From the beginning I met you I should have known that something was wrong when I was on my own every time I needed you around. I always told myself you would come and you would make me happy. I used to tell myself that you love me and that once you arrived we will have our happily ever after…and now that I am alone, lonely and torn into million pieces I have finally realized that it all seemed to be a game for you. I face a state of being I never wanted to face ever in my life and I feel dumb and stupid, just like a bloody idiot that should have never given his heart to someone that only hurt him every single day by not being there when I needed you. It is all wrong and I feel so wrong and so stupid that I can’t find words for the state of stupidity…
I hope you are happy for all you took from me. The emotions, the tears and the incapability to ever trust a man again to live him honestly and deeply. Thank you for showing me that in the end loneliness is all I can expect in my life from this world. Thank you for letting me experience the bitterness of love and the calamity of a heart breaking into immeasurable pieces that can never be put together again. Thank you for playing a game for over three and a half years and making me believe you every single word as if you were a saint that would not dare to speak out words full of untruthfulness.
I did love you. Immortally. Self-destructively. Painfully. I gave you everything I could possible give you…emotions that I never thought I had in my heart and now I am sitting here like a fool, like a blind child crying and being hurt and feeling more lonesome that ever before and I just hope that I will never ever have to fall in love again to end in such a pain you put me through. I cry and I never did cry more than I am doing now and I am embarrassed of it – of every single tear because I know that you will only sit there and smile in gratification because you know you have ruined my heart and my life and you know what? I am the one to blame for that because I did let you conquer my heart and my love.
This is my last, my final goodbye to you, to let you know that you can’t fix it anymore and that you have lost me – inevitably and forever. You broke us and I am finally strong enough to tell you that it is over, even though I can’t tell it straight to your face because you are not brave enough to show up and face the truth. You played me and you loved it! I hate you for what you did to me, but I love you too much to truly hate you, in fact, I know that I will always love you…you were the first one and the only one. But I can’t go on like this, not anymore and not again. GOODBYE M…forever goodbye.