Being inspired by the beautiful rain I made myself some time to read ‘Eat Pray Love’ by Elizabeth Gilbert again and at the same time watch the incredibly good movie staring Julia Roberts, James Franco and Javier Bardem I stumbled across two things I would like to put up for discussion here – two things that do not seem to be something I could get off my mind as easily as a bad comment about my Apple addiction (it truly is weird – I might be thinking about going cold turkey but yet I can’t see myself being able to live without all the ‘i’ in my iLife!).
One page 75 (in the middle of the first journey – Rome / Italy) Elizabeth Gilbert writes, ‘[...] We were talking the other evening about the phrases one uses when trying to comfort someone who is in distress. I told him [Giovanni - her tutor] that in English we sometimes say, ‘I’ve been there.’ This was unclear to him at first – I’ve been where? But I explained that deep grief sometimes is almost like a specific locations, a coordinate on the map of time. When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. But if someone can assure you that the themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope. [...]‘
Well first of all, it doesn’t bring me any kind of help if I am deep down on the floor bumping my head against the pavement because of my imbecility or any other kind of sad inner movement, if someone tells me that he has been there – why should it help me? In the end it all starts out being all about the other person aging though you finally might feel the need of talking and being listened to instead of being impolitely shut by someone else.
And then… hello? If sadness is a goddamn place then why the hell can’t we instantly decide to get the hell away from this shattering place or to travel to a better, happier and brighter place the minute the pain starts to set in? Isn’t the main definition of a place somewhat like being able to get to and get away from at the same time if you feel the need? And if you cannot get away from that lonesome, shadowy place – if you can’t just run or hide or beam yourself up to somewhere else, who decides for us when being ready to leave? Who has made it his (or her) point of decision making leading us from sorrow to super happy? From sadness to not being so sad anymore and finally ready to leave? Shouldn’t this actually be our own decision – firstly, not to travel to this fucked up place and secondly, getting away whenever we seemed to be waking up there shipwrecked and hopelessly lost? Where are Dorothy’s magic red shoes when one needs them? Where is free will and strength of mind when left in the bitter cold of sadness and sorrow and despair and lonesomeness?
From page 108 to 111 Elizabeth Gilbert writes about discussing words that describe cities – Rome and Sex; the Vatican and Power; New York City and Achieve, Stockholm and Conform (and so on) – and in the end it all revolves around one important point – ‘[...] But Giulio was already on to the next and most obvious question: ‘What’s your word?’ Now that, I definitely could not answer.[...]‘
And here I am… sitting on my bed (not on my chaise this time) with the window wide open, in front of my MacBook typing these lines while switching between the notes in my sketchbook and Eat Pray Love, listening to ZAZ with Port Coton (from the Album ‘ZAZ’ – quite simple isn’t it), singing along and whistling the words I am writing and realizing that I am only describing the scenery so closely and precisely because I do not want to admit what I simply have to in every possible way this situation is ending in my head… just like Liz I haven’t found my word yet and though I would dare say it is writer or fashion, these two terms only describe what I am doing every single day professionally and not what I am. And yet I automatically ask myself – is there a single chance I could possibly describe myself in one single word fully accounting every part of myself and my soul and my body and my psyche and my brain and my mind and my heart and my emotional instability and incapability of maintaining relationships?
I happen to believe – I am still in search for my very own word… the ONE word that I will hear instantly knowing ‘this is it – this is me – this is what describes me – just the way I am’… what do you think?
Do you know your word already or are you, just like me, still on the search for the ONE word that makes it all clear to you – somehow, if just a little bit?