Archive for heartbreak
In the first moment I thought, ‘Well, this must be the reason why people do not want to get hit by a bus…’ At least, I guess it must feel like this. Unexpectedly agonizing; deeply irritating and overwhelmingly weird. And within seconds it’s all gone. All the feelings, all the thoughts, all the deep meanings to something that has been but isn’t there anymore.
It’s been two years now. Plus, minus one week. I can’t remember exactly but I know it was October. The weirdest and most agonizing October I have ever had. I was in a dark place I put myself because I was overly dramatic and overly emotional, which lead me directly to being ridiculously irrationally driven by these emotions of just being dumbed by someone you’ve loved. And today I saw him. In a car right in front of my university building. For the first time since we broke up. He broke up with me. Not we. He.
Here I am now with these two years on my hands and on my Facebook timeline and I became aware of one thing tonight: THIS was crucial for final closure. On my way home from University I have thought a lot about times with W and once I arrived home, entering my own four walls through those double doors I realized – I grew a lot in more ways than I have ever expected of myself. In the first few moments of being at home during the change of my outfit I was thinking about what I was feeling. I couldn’t quite make it out. Was I sad? No. Was I angry? No. Was I grieving? No.
Then there it was. The realization of what I must have been waiting for… for forever. I felt nothing but the satisfaction of the moment of knowing that I really am fine with it. I have moved on and I feel like a better version of myself. Mr.StrictlyIntimate exists for three and a half years now. I have been through so much, emotionally and work relatedly. I have grown to become a skyscraper for the relationship with my ex showed me so many facets of being a human being without the necessity of always having to be perfect but being who you are with everything you are. Every flaw you think you hate but actually, deep within fucking love. Every piece of you that loves life. Every piece of you that burns for something – a passion; as wild as the hottest, sexiest kiss you have ever tasted on your lips. Every piece of a dream you work your ass of for. Every minute of a day you live and breathe and work and love and struggle just because you want to feel alive.
This is it! This is life. And it’s beautiful, immaculate, opulent, fantastic, passionate… it is everything you make it!
If you feel like breaking down because someone recently told you he/she doesn’t love you anymore – so be it! Break down! BUT get your ass back up again because life is A-MAZING! And it begins over and over again. Once you break down, you get back up and try again – harder and better than ever before! Over and over again. Because that is what makes you FEARLESS! That is what makes dreams beautiful: fighting for them with every piece of your heart.
After all, it’s his/her loss, isn’t it?!
Given the circumstances of people around me recently getting disappointed or their heart broken by significant other’s I thought it might be time to cheer them up and show them not just my affection but that I am ALWAYS (in capital letters!) there for them whenever they need me. And, another thing that might help is the knowledge of the existence of people everywhere getting their heart broken almost any minute but most of them get back up, hold their heads up high and their hearts wide open to put themselves out there in order to one day find someone who knows they are worth fighting for. (And worth being the only one to date or fuck or touch at all.)
“…it’s alright, OK – I’m so much better without you! I won’t feel sorry.”
Ashley Tisdale – It’s Alright, It’s OK
[Album: Guilty Pleasure]
“…What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller. Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone.”
Kelly Clarkson – Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)
“…Trying to apologize, you’re so ugly when you cry. Please, just cut it out.”
Rihanna – Take a Bow
[Album: Good Girl Gone Bad: Reloaded]
“…Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.”
Adele – Someone Like You
“…I will love again. Though my heart is breaking I will love again. Stronger than before.”
Lara Fabian – I Will Love Again
[Album: Lara Fabian]
“…I’m a survivor (What?). I’m not goin’ give up (What?). I’m not goin’ stop (What?). I’m goin’ work harder (What?).”
Destiny’s Child – Survivor
“…nothing’s fine I’m torn! I’m all out of faith. This is how I feel.”
Natalie Imbruglia – Torn
[Album: Left Off the Middle]
In the end… all that a heartbreak mostly results in is pain and tears and emotional wasteland. But, with these songs, with a little help of your friends, with a lot of screaming and allowing yourself being angry and hurt you will be the one who stands up tall and eased and self-confident because you know you are stronger by going through the hard times. By working it out. By making yourself realize that if someone breaks up with you – he/she does not deserve it and isn’t worth the tears.
P.S.: Those who I call my friends know one things – no matter what time it is, no matter how far away I am – I am ALWAYS (again, with the capital letters) there for you.
Recently I had the chance to think about Sex and the City a little bit more since I sometimes find myself taking forty minutes for a break from work every day to watch an episode and to get inspired by it. And since I went for a little walk yesterday at 10 pm and met up with a very very nice man I got to talk about Carrie and her messages and certain Sex and the City moments that still remain in our memory. Deciding that we both love the moment where Carrie and Aidan face each other and she begs him dearly to forgive him: ‘you have to forgive me. you have to forgive me. your have to forgive me. You – have – to – forgive – me!’ and seriously Aidan you simply had to because that moment was so real, so heartbreakingly honest and just so touching that one automatically remembers a moment where he had to beg, had to cry so dearly… you suddenly are being taken back to that certain moment where it all comes to an end with someone you truly fell in love with and even though there may have not been so much time spent together (for some reason people only seem to ask about the amount of time being in a relationship and not about the intensity of the love that holds the two of you together) you just feel the necessity of begging either for forgiveness or for not being left alone or for simply not walking away.
And so here I face myself and my inner demons and my heart and my mind and they finally decided to work together for a higher cause – preventing my heart from finally breaking and splitting and falling apart into thousands and millions of pieces that just can’t be mend by a weekend of liquor and months of draining your sorrows in writing or drinking or working or partying with your friends (or all at the same time) just to get over that vulnerable moment. Is there really a chance of being happily in love without feeling like losing something and then, what if you lose that special something (or someone) you had – it is breaking down, crying, falling apart all over again. Is that how life and love are supposed to live together? In my opinion that is not even the slightest bit close to a healthy symbiosis but to a way to ruin your inner piece by simply allowing someone else to touch you, to hurt you by presenting the most vulnerable of all parts of yourself – your heart. The thing that beats in your chest trying to keep you alive every single day – the one organ that tries to make you happy. And then you walk around breaking it just because you feel the need of falling in love in order to not being alone anymore? Does that makes sense to you?
To me it actually doesn’t and yet I face thousands of people still believing in love because they ask themselves – if love is not out there, if the one (THE ONE) is not out there, then what to live for? What to struggle for? What to aim for? What to look forward to? Settling down for something over an agreement – is that commitment. Real commitment in a sense Carrie and Mr. Big faced it or Charlotte and her Harry faced it or Miranda and her Steve faced it or even Samantha and her healthy libido faced it? Is something like that – the romantic, over produced, overrated love available in real life? Off screen and off screenplay?