Archive for love end
In the first moment I thought, ‘Well, this must be the reason why people do not want to get hit by a bus…’ At least, I guess it must feel like this. Unexpectedly agonizing; deeply irritating and overwhelmingly weird. And within seconds it’s all gone. All the feelings, all the thoughts, all the deep meanings to something that has been but isn’t there anymore.
It’s been two years now. Plus, minus one week. I can’t remember exactly but I know it was October. The weirdest and most agonizing October I have ever had. I was in a dark place I put myself because I was overly dramatic and overly emotional, which lead me directly to being ridiculously irrationally driven by these emotions of just being dumbed by someone you’ve loved. And today I saw him. In a car right in front of my university building. For the first time since we broke up. He broke up with me. Not we. He.
Here I am now with these two years on my hands and on my Facebook timeline and I became aware of one thing tonight: THIS was crucial for final closure. On my way home from University I have thought a lot about times with W and once I arrived home, entering my own four walls through those double doors I realized – I grew a lot in more ways than I have ever expected of myself. In the first few moments of being at home during the change of my outfit I was thinking about what I was feeling. I couldn’t quite make it out. Was I sad? No. Was I angry? No. Was I grieving? No.
Then there it was. The realization of what I must have been waiting for… for forever. I felt nothing but the satisfaction of the moment of knowing that I really am fine with it. I have moved on and I feel like a better version of myself. Mr.StrictlyIntimate exists for three and a half years now. I have been through so much, emotionally and work relatedly. I have grown to become a skyscraper for the relationship with my ex showed me so many facets of being a human being without the necessity of always having to be perfect but being who you are with everything you are. Every flaw you think you hate but actually, deep within fucking love. Every piece of you that loves life. Every piece of you that burns for something – a passion; as wild as the hottest, sexiest kiss you have ever tasted on your lips. Every piece of a dream you work your ass of for. Every minute of a day you live and breathe and work and love and struggle just because you want to feel alive.
This is it! This is life. And it’s beautiful, immaculate, opulent, fantastic, passionate… it is everything you make it!
If you feel like breaking down because someone recently told you he/she doesn’t love you anymore – so be it! Break down! BUT get your ass back up again because life is A-MAZING! And it begins over and over again. Once you break down, you get back up and try again – harder and better than ever before! Over and over again. Because that is what makes you FEARLESS! That is what makes dreams beautiful: fighting for them with every piece of your heart.
After all, it’s his/her loss, isn’t it?!
Somehow the while day was kind of weird in an emotional kind of way. Yesterday I had an amazingly open talk with a friend of mine – D and we were talking about the end of his relationship and how it had come that far. I felt unmistakably taken back to my first relationship with all its highs and mostly all its lows. Don’t get me wrong – we had a really great time, laughed a lot, but the main focus of the whole discussion circled around personal space, freedom and development in a relationship. How much space do we really need? How much freedom is too little and if you feel like being stuck at a crossroads in your personal development is it better to let go of the old – the baggage – the one person that holds you back? Do you wake up one day to realize something has to change? And if there is one chance of alteration after another being used and actually being wasted is it finally time to call it quits? To put it in Gossip Girl’s words, ‘In matters of love and war, all weapons cause injury. The questions is, who will live to fight another day?’ Who will be there at the end of the day – weapons held high – to fight for love if already been disappointed so many times? Who will survive this fight that turns out to be the matter of a heart trying not to break into millions of pieces? Once broken it’s out of the game. Once broken it’s lost.
I find myself to be in the middle of an emotional change where matters of love seem to cross over to transform into matters of indifference? And there I wonder how I could stop the process of possibly becoming an emotional ice-king in matters of love relationships and love interests while on the other hand everything I am emotionally interested right now is working and developing my career further – or better, finally starting having a career that I, for myself, can signify as such? How do I start drifting away emotionally in personal relationships – how do I find myself being able of emotional attachment when I see couples breaking up, couples kissing everywhere (please stop that in the metro – I mean, seriously… why? Get a room!), couples being ridiculous with one another in a way that is just gross and that just makes you pity them. When have I become such a cynical person? Where did it all change?
Maybe it was when I realized that love is a social myth – a construction to give people the peace of mind that everyone finds someone special in order to not facing their lives alone. But I wonder – why? What is so bad in being alone? If you have your friends why wishing for someone else in your life? I mean, yes – your friends won’t fuck you (most of them won’t, at least) but for that matter one could have a fling once or twice a year. I guess. Why do people underestimate THE POWER OF GOOD-BYE – saying good-bye to someone who just hurts you instead of sticking to him/her and keeping up with the shitty cards being played? Why not embrace yourself for being happy to be single and free and ready to develop a great drive towards a career that makes you proud of yourself one day. All the others won’t have to look at your mirror reflection ten years from now. But you do. And you will either be proud of what you achieved or devastated from all the things you’ve missed because someone held you back.
Think about that for a change when you look at the one right beside you maybe holding you back? If not – embrace him and be happy to have someone who is there to support you because that is the other, bright side of the medal. If one believes in it. Love. And stuff like that.
P.S.: Day 19 of my 28 Days Sugar Cleansing – got up at 6 am for a run and then hit the shower and a ten hour day at the office.
I feel great. I just miss bread. And I think I have lost a little weight, which is noticeable but not recommendable for my own sake since I was quite thin already. But here’s hoping that it will get back on once I have started to eat carbs again.