Mr.StrictlyIntimate
the Life, the Love and the Sex of Vienna.Archive for Taylor Swift
Begin Again.
In the first moment I thought, ‘Well, this must be the reason why people do not want to get hit by a bus…’ At least, I guess it must feel like this. Unexpectedly agonizing; deeply irritating and overwhelmingly weird. And within seconds it’s all gone. All the feelings, all the thoughts, all the deep meanings to something that has been but isn’t there anymore.
It’s been two years now. Plus, minus one week. I can’t remember exactly but I know it was October. The weirdest and most agonizing October I have ever had. I was in a dark place I put myself because I was overly dramatic and overly emotional, which lead me directly to being ridiculously irrationally driven by these emotions of just being dumbed by someone you’ve loved. And today I saw him. In a car right in front of my university building. For the first time since we broke up. He broke up with me. Not we. He.
Here I am now with these two years on my hands and on my Facebook timeline and I became aware of one thing tonight: THIS was crucial for final closure. On my way home from University I have thought a lot about times with W and once I arrived home, entering my own four walls through those double doors I realized – I grew a lot in more ways than I have ever expected of myself. In the first few moments of being at home during the change of my outfit I was thinking about what I was feeling. I couldn’t quite make it out. Was I sad? No. Was I angry? No. Was I grieving? No.
Then there it was. The realization of what I must have been waiting for… for forever. I felt nothing but the satisfaction of the moment of knowing that I really am fine with it. I have moved on and I feel like a better version of myself. Mr.StrictlyIntimate exists for three and a half years now. I have been through so much, emotionally and work relatedly. I have grown to become a skyscraper for the relationship with my ex showed me so many facets of being a human being without the necessity of always having to be perfect but being who you are with everything you are. Every flaw you think you hate but actually, deep within fucking love. Every piece of you that loves life. Every piece of you that burns for something – a passion; as wild as the hottest, sexiest kiss you have ever tasted on your lips. Every piece of a dream you work your ass of for. Every minute of a day you live and breathe and work and love and struggle just because you want to feel alive.
This is it! This is life. And it’s beautiful, immaculate, opulent, fantastic, passionate… it is everything you make it!
If you feel like breaking down because someone recently told you he/she doesn’t love you anymore – so be it! Break down! BUT get your ass back up again because life is A-MAZING! And it begins over and over again. Once you break down, you get back up and try again – harder and better than ever before! Over and over again. Because that is what makes you FEARLESS! That is what makes dreams beautiful: fighting for them with every piece of your heart.
After all, it’s his/her loss, isn’t it?!
XOXO
Untouchable.
Some time ago I believed in love – irrationally, dreamily, vulnerably. I believed that out there was the one person who was able to make you as happy as you possibly can be. I have had this love. Or, I believed I had it. I don’t know. I can’t put it to words… but I will try.
I know that out there is no one I could love as much as I have loved this very special man. He was handsome (still is, as far as I know), polite, had the sense of humor I loved and was in every possible way absolutely right for me. I was happy. Sometimes. Sometimes I was just sad because he wasn’t there. And sometimes because I wasn’t there. It seems, timing was all wrong for the two of us. Or, I was just not the right for him.
Now you may wonder – why past tense? Why am I writing in a time that has passed quicker as I could say ‘Burberry?’ Well, simply because I have realized that sometimes ‘to love is not enough.’ It is not enough to say ‘I love you’ a million times without taking actions, without really showing you that one’s love is able to cross boarders and move mountains.
As time passed by I changed and my belief in love was shattered. This is not supposed to be a story where you all feel sorry for me because I neither want you nor myself to feel sorry for that because we all know that things like that have happened to other people too. So that is what matters. That you are not alone when it comes to things like losing someone you’ve sincerely, dearly and honestly loved.
You should cherish the possibility of having been loved (even if not the way you would have wished it, maybe) or having been able to feel love towards someone, to express it. Because it is only a lost thing if you have never even tried to express what you feel for someone. That is the only waste – Not having experienced love at all.
I may have lost the faith in the existence of love and may have grown to be very cynical and sarcastic about ‘love’ and the way people treat it sometimes but that is only because I have experienced my personal high in loving someone, knowing that there is nothing that can top what was there already. Maybe that is the reason why I do not think about giving it another shot – because, well, simply put, nothing… no one can compare. Nothing and no one ever will. Some feelings are Untouchable. Like a distant star. Like Taylor Swift once sang.
One of the songs that make my heart skip a beat of sadness because of the realness of the song. Perfect for this topic: Emeli Sandé – Suitcase from her debut album ‘Out Version of Events’.
Forgive me, if this might sound all cheesy again but since my cynical self mostly takes the upper hand when it comes to writing it might be a welcoming change to let some emotions come through. It won’t happen that often, trust me. At least for now I have them under control again. Have a fabulous start into the new week. Enjoy your evenings with a glass of wine, like I do. Shiraz. The most brilliant wine of all.
XOXO
the Love Issue: Thoughts on Something I Will Never Be Able to Understand
Again: Love never fails. Does it? Mhmm...
One of the many myths of life besides the sense of our being, the existence of extraterrestrial life or the way in which the universe makes us find and lose stuff so ridiculously fast is for sure one thing that can be reduced to the simplicity of one single word while still harboring all the complexities of the unknown lifetime of our dimension… LOVE.
(I will promise this time I am trying not to be so negative here but approaching the many views of people around me – those who love, those who have loved, those who have lost love and of course those who will never give up facing every fight for love.)
Love by definition of so often used Wikipedia ‘is an emotion of strong affection and personal attachment’. (Trying to keep my authenticity I have to say that I always like to talk about myself as being someone who is always emotional dettached to the possible maximum of a human’s ability to deny what is going on inside him. Let us be clear here… I have feelings too. I am just facing a lot of struggle and problems admitting this or saying so out loud.)
Nonetheless, love is something (whether we believe in it or we do not) that appears to everyone in another light and, apart from the quite impartial Wikipedia definition it truly is defined by actually being of absolute sentimental / subjective matter — influenced by our environment, our knowledge, our parenting and of course our experience with this fragile but ever present term… LOVE.
It is so simple to say the word out love but once it becomes acquainted with deep pain, memories, loss and states of life we can’t achieve this simple word / term turns into something that can haunt one soul for a lifetime. And though a lot of us have suffered or almost drowned in this silver pool full of emotions they never give up on it because they believe that out there someone special exists, someone who knows how to treat the vulnerable heart of a lover, the fair heart of a friend and the open heart of someone who failed with love.
B.
Wonderful easy going B is one of my closest friends and therefore I know everything about her life because I live right at the pulse of it. Right away, B deserves only the very best for I have need met such an altruistic character caring more about anyone else before she even dares to think about herself. Well, once being in love… tremendously, magically, head over heels, land over water, with all her heart, with all her mind… the guy left for studying in Oslo and ever since she hasn’t been the same when they broke up in Oslo. (I think she still has feelings for him actually.) B stopped to believe in love and maintained relationships on settling for something that feels good and nice and is a lot of fun. That is good for things in life should make you happy and smile and should be fun every single day. But it stopped and I faced myself right beside her at the danube hearing her words… ‘I think I have to believe in love again. After all the failure with guys there has to be something like love. This can’t be just it.’ Maybe she has a point here. Maybe she hasn’t. Maybe she became romantic again and I think, ‘Hm… if there is such a thing as love, she is the one who deserves to feel it.’
M.
We don’t know each other very long now but he has been in love and he thinks he still is. He is sad about losing ‘the love of his life’ as he likes to call this special guy whose name is written on his heart. We sat at the danube drinking beer when I wonder if he really believes in the one and well, he says he does and he says that this guy is the only one that has the ability to make him happy. Tough call for all the other guys that may be beginning to like him. He believes in the one. In love including the happily ever after. He believes in marrying the one and having children and a house with this special person. He really does and I sit there uncomfortably thinking… ‘Where did I loose all this belief? Haven’t I talked the same way one year ago?’ And he says, ‘He is the one. I love him and I suffer right now for I cannot have him.’ It is true. He obviously is sad about the end of this relationship and I think, ‘Maybe there is another ONE…’ and I say, ‘…but what if people are only in our life to mark it in a way? Inspire it, help us developing our character further, giving us a new view in life – a different ankle. What if people are simply made to be there for a limited period of time until we are ready to be set free or to set them free to mark someone else’s life – enriching it in all the possible ways?’ I can see in his eyes that he doesn’t think so. I see he still believes. This guy is the one for him. And I can’t change his mind by simply trying to be realistic here. And my thoughts fade…
While writing I have a lot of quotes and songs and books on mind that somehow influence me right here…
Taylor Swift… Ours (Album: Speak Now – Deluxe Edition)
‘…and don’t you worry your pretty little mind. People throw rocks at things that shine and life makes love look hard…’
It does. I think it really does. All the ups and downs we face every single day. All our tiny problems that sometimes appear so huge and then all this huge problems that sometimes appear so humongous. Everything around us has a huge impact on us. It makes love look hard with so many things standing in our way… life, because it isn’t the only thing we have to care about. You know that.
William Shakespeare… Romeo and Juliet (of course I pick this love story. Two reasons for that – firstly, I am currently reading the tragic love story of Romeo and Juliet and secondly, it is the one true love story that survives centuries and that even makes a neurotic, cynic kind of guy like me sentimental.)
‘Alas that love, whose view is muffled still,
Should without laws give pathways to our will.
Where shall we dine? Gods me, what fray was here?
Yet tell me not, for I have heard it all:
Here’s much to do with hate, but more with love.
Why then, O brawling love, O loving hate,
O anything of nothing first create;
O heavy lightness, serious vanity,
Mis-shapen chaos of best-seeming things,
Feather of lead, bright smoke, cold fire, sick health,
Still-waking sleep that is not what it is:
This love feel I, which feel no love in this.
Dost thou not laugh?’
And like Benvolio I can only say, ‘No, coz, I rather weep.’ Weep because true love for me seems like nothing we can ever obtain and because such a beautiful expression seems like a judgmental comment for those who do not believe in love, ‘What? You do not believe in something as true as this? Something even Romeo expressed in such an overwhelming beauty?’ No. I do not.
Pride and Prejudice… the movie (Staring beautiful Keira Knightley and outrageously handsome Matthew MacFadyen – and of course the book… the wonderful, romantic, perfect piece of writing that always touches my heart. Oh do how you do it, madame Jane Austen?)
‘…Miss Elizabeth. I have struggled in vain and I can bear it no longer. These past months have been a torment. I came to Rosings with the single object of seeing you… I had to see you. I have fought against my better judgment, my family’s expectations, the inferiority of your birth by rank and circumstance. All these things I am willing to put aside and ask you to end my agony.
Elizabeth Bennet: I don’t understand.
Mr. Darcy: I love you…’
And I just think, ‘Go on… end his agony, take his hand, kiss his lips, hold a firm grip on his arm and feel what he does.’ She does but she doesn’t admit until the very end of the story. And it is beautiful. And I wish someone would say words like that to me and mean them. Making me struggle with wanting to believe that love doesn’t exist in order to protect my heart from any more pain but having a little ray of hope in shape of a little voice telling me, ‘Dare. Try it. If you do not try – how can you fail, how can you win? If you do not try?’
The stakes are high. The water is rough. Life makes love look hard. And in the end maybe a little part of me wants to believe it but the other part, the hurt one, the broken into million pieces one just couldn’t take it again and in the end I always find myself thinking – ‘well, if that is love it comes at much too high a cost…’
XOXO
Mr.StrictlyIntimate
For the End… one more time because the picture is so brilliantly beautiful
Love Stories…
In every century there are great love stories…in every history there are even greater writers creating those. They touch our hearts, they make us feel and the let us cry over joy, over loss, over fantasising that true love is there worth waiting for.
Centuries fade irrevocably…histories change undeniably…societies develope differently…but the only thing that seems to be surviving wars, death, poverty, fear, anxiety and grief are stories about love like Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde or Elizabeth Bennet and Mr Darcy. It seems to be love is the only thing that remains unbeatable throughout centuries, history and throughout all the tragical, drastical movements, changings and developments the world faces every single day.
And that is acutally the major issue in all our problems. Love is something society puts inside our heads with all their great stories of people who fight every single fight for love with all their strength and all their power and all their so-called might, but what society is not really telling you is that most of those great, great love stories all end the same (except for Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy) – in a calamity, in broken hearts and in millions of tears. Romeo and Juliet die. And so do Tristan and Isolde. Without each other. Then, we have to realize that everything we will do in our lives connected with love is suffer. That is the only actual thing love is good for. Seperating the strong ones from the weak ones.
Those who are strong will survive the struggle and the pain of love and losing it, keeping on living and fighting for their own dreams, realizing everything only works out if you rely on the only person you can really trust – yourself! Those who are weak have to face the fact that life is not about being happily in love forever and ever, but about living and breathing and enjoying every single second of this life – even if it is alone or with someone at your side, temporarily. Nothing is meant to last forever anymore. The spirit of a love being so strong to last entirely until the end of times is dead. Just like true love is.
So when it comes down to being realistic all we seem to be…is human. And humans obviously do have flaws – the biggest one, believing in love. And even though I know that my irrational, realistic brain is telling me to not believe in love anymore there is a part inside me that still believes. But gives up every single day a bit more on the thought of being with a man truly in love with me, who Ican be truly in love with.
Fact is…love is dead. But what if…what if…what if…it isn’t?
Thank God Valentine’s Day is over!
XOXO
Mr.StrictlyIntimate
P.S. Still if we are afraid of falling in love isn’t there something inside ourselves that keeps the faith in love alive?! Aren’t we all longing for a love to leave the loved ones for, a love to cross oceans for, a love to paint skies colourful for, a love to give up all the doubts for? Aren’t we all looking for that one special person looking you in the eye saying ‘I am madly, deeply, truly, passionately in love with you? Aren’t we? I am.
What happens…
Is life supposed to feel like this? Finding what you’ve been looking for so long and then losing it after such a little time spent together? Is it fair to feel that way? Is it fair to love and to not be loved in return?
What happens to all those beautiful hours together…the first date…the butterflies…the zsa zsa zsu…the knowing the it feels just the way it has to feel? What happens to the roses…the flowers…the letters…those three words? What happens to being absolutely happy falling asleep beside the one you love and knowing you are going to wake up in the morning and he will be there still…and you feel perfect because of him?! You feel beautiful…almost immaculate and completely invincible because he tells you you are… every single day. You cry because you are happy and the first ‘I love you’ is such a beautiful ease when you find out he loves you too and it makes you fly without any wings.
What happens to those dinners cooked together… either eaten on the couch in front of the TV watching a movie you just picked up together from the video rental store, or having a candle light dinner as a surprise just because he felt like doing such an amazing thing? What happens to love once the other one doesn’t love anymore?
What happens to a heart… when it loses its soulmate? Does it go to sleep until he maybe comes back what obviously simply won’t happen? Or does it just break into millions of pieces knowing what it feels to get hurt and never wanting to feel such a thing again. I can’t. Not again. Not someone else. Never again.
XOXO
Mr.StrictlyIntimate
