Yesterday was a quite good day actually, though the weather was not really what I expected it to be in summer time. I was out for several drinks with a good friend of mine, we call her Susan at this point, at a Cocktail bar called ‘Freiraum’ which is actually a new trend bar in Vienna, let us wait how long. Well, there we sat, not at a table, but at the bar, where we were able to watch everyone coming in and leaving.
There we sat with our drinks, I ordered a Baby Blue Martini and then one Cosmopolitan after another and we talked and laughed and joked about our ex-boyfriends until we came to the point of talking about serious things. One time Susan asked me on Skype how I would describe love… not the feeling of being in love, but the feeling of loving someone seriously, in an adult way. And I told her my definition of love, in its romantic, cheesy way, just like I used to believe in it.
I told her that in my point of view love is something that you can find anywhere, no matter where you go, and where you look. In every country around the world, no matter if there is living peace or if there is war, in the tiniest corners you find people that fall in love and that this is the most beautiful and strongest thing existing. Love is not just something unconditional, but something unpredictable, unexpectable, uncontrollable, unendurable and paradoxically very easy to confound with hatred. It is a feeling that just blows away everything else in your heart and your head and it fills up your whole body with an emotion that wants you to cry and laugh and sing and dance and all at the same time so that it drives you crazy and you cannot sleep and always have to think about this very one person who awaked this unique feeling inside you.
So there we sat and I had my second Cosmopolitan when she told me that she is not able to speak out those three words, because she absolutely does not know what love is, for herself, although she asked several people about their opinion on love, including me, but somehow, strangely, everyone gave her another definition of love, so I guess this thing called love, is differently interpreted by everyone and the only thing you can generalize is the word ‘love’, because everyone uses it, no matter if there is a similar definition or explanation for this myth.
Somehow we changed from talking about love to talking about our ex-boyfriends and above all about our first boyfriends and as Susan talked it came to my mind, clear as never before, that no matter what we do in our relationships and no matter what goes wrong we always tend to blame our very first boyfriends for everything that is wrong with us in our later relationships. She told me, that Jo (let us give her first boyfriend a real name) kind of traumatized her and made her incapable of maintaining a relationship because he broke up with her at her most vulnerable time of life. The point she knew she was in love with him. And then he dumped her.
Unfortunately she has a big problem with her self-confidence, because she gets used to always blaming herself for everything, except for the thing with Jo. No matter what happens, she blames herself. For every boyfriend that breaks up with her, every boyfriend that moves into another country (one moved to London and another moves to Oslo), for every time she is jealous, but let me tell you this, if your boyfriend does not want to kiss you in public because he really, believe me, really, really, really thinks that they might get robbed in that moment of a kiss, he is the one she should blame for being totally weird. When she told me that, I did not know what to think or what to say I just sat there, took a sip of my Cosmo and looked at her.
Why do we always seem to search for flaws and misbehaviors in ourselves? Why can’t we simply blame the other one and leave it that way? And why the hell do we always tend to call ourselves incapable of maintaining a relationship? Girls and Boys wake up. It is not always your fault. Personally I am at a stage of life where I automatically pull away every allocation of blame from the get-go. For me, it is always the others.
Seriously, a absolute No-Go is a boy-or girlfriend with the self-esteem of a snail. I once had such a boyfriend. Accentuation on HAD. It lasted about one month, if at all, I am only good at numbers when it comes to count all the guys I have slept with, but I guess that is another topic ‘Sexual Intercourse and whom I just gave a Kiss’. Back to Harry (that is what we call him…Harry the big L-O-S-E-R, actually). Well, Harry, good, nice and lovely Harry. He was really nice and he was really a good person but he was just a mess as a boyfriend. Bad style, horrible clothes, and his self-esteem was lower settled than the basement of his house. I hated giving him reasons of why I spent my time with him and not with someone more attractive and actually I always had to contrive reasons in my mind because I really did not know why I spent my precious time with someone who was not sexually appealing at all. I could have done better, but well, he was there, when I was down and somehow I felt better than him, because I knew that he was intimidated by my personality and style and that felt good because I knew that I was the best he possibly ever had but never will get again, because he is just…nice. That’s all. And that is not much. And I hated the fact that I had to put up his self-confidence every single day, that was such a waste of time, because he never will be Mr. Universe and I should have recognized it earlier.
After all the talk about love and the incapability of maintaining a relationship, I had enough love that went wrong so I drowned the last sips of my Cosmopolitan, took my white bag, kissed Susan goodbye and walked home. No matter what happens, no matter how often me or some of my friends are breaking up with someone, no matter how bad and lonely times are, I never give up the thought of real, big LOVE. Some day it will find me, and my friends, and then we know the best time to say those three words and then we won’t be afraid. Are you afraid?