It is raining heavily outside and I just sat in my bed at the opened window and read a very good book that actually made me think a lot things over. I had to get out of bed in front of my laptop to write some things off my heart. I actually did not know what I want to write or had a plan on writing something special, but I just felt the urgent need to write the matters of my heart down.
Since I was nine years of age I knew what I wanted to become when I am a grown up adult attending the social life just like everybody else. I knew that I wanted to find myself studying fashion design and afterwards fashion journalism and the n working my ass off to climb up social ladder of success to become editor in chief of UK Vogue, someday. Seriously, I always knew what I wanted when it comes to having a job or better fulfilling my personal destiny, but when it comes to love, the magical four letters L-O-V-E I seem to be lost entirely in a world full of fairytales gone bad.
When it comes to choosing the right one I seem to be a complete failure because every time I try to maintain a relationship I get lost in a big mess that ends with a big bang break up full of tears or the decision to stop meeting your so-called boyfriend because, apart from what he is feeling for you, you do not have any emotional attachment at all.
Now I sit here and try not to wallow in self-pity and yes, when I am absolutely honest, right now I just am sorry for myself and that is sad, isn’t it? I know it is allowed, sometimes, to be wallowing in self-pity, but it is so inappropriate right now, because out there are so many people feeling just like me, too many, when you happen to ask me. I want love, desperately and I want a boyfriend that loves to be in love just like me, with all the romanticism and the heartbreaking, core-breaking kisses and I want sex that makes you weak because it is so intensive and perfect and breahtaking and oh gosh, I want these three magical words that are common known as ‘I-Love-you’. I want that all. And in the future I want to marry and I want to adopt a child and YES! I want to live a conservative, old-fashioned, traditional family life.
I am twenty-two and seriously, I feel like my life is running faster than I will ever be able to run. Running away from me actually, well I talk about my love life, my career on the contrary is working out perfectly, and everybody thinks I should be happy about that, but honestly, I want a caring, serious and real relationship just like everybody around me, all my friends assume commitments and I am the one who is alone every night, when he crawls into bed to get to university or work on the next morning, the one who wakes up alone and the one who sits alone in bed on rainy evenings drinking teas and reading books.
Somehow I believe in love, in its unconditional, unforeseeable and magical way as everybody dreams of. I believe, at least, I try, from the bottom of my heart.