the Life, the Love and the Sex of Vienna.

Destiny and living…[a Diary entry I]

Three days of rain and there does not seem to be an end in sight. In some way it is depressing and in some way it is kind of cleansing. Do you know the feeling of having it all washed away? All your problems, all your bad thoughts, all the bad happenings of the last time? Well, that is what it feels like to me, when I think about rain or actually when I am standing in the rain – literally.

You may wonder where my point is. Today, at work, I came across reading, talking and writing about cancer and as I did memories of my past came back to mind and I found myself at the age of fourteen sitting in a hospital bed and waiting for hospital nurse to lead me into the operating theatre where I have to face the condition of being forced to sleep…

I was thirteen when I was diagnosed cancer. It, the cancer, was placed on the knucklebone of my head, still you can see a big scar left, that reminds me every day of what I was going through. Oh no, this is not about self-pity, this is just about telling you to wake up and face that no matter how old you are, diseases can get you at anytime, anywhere. So I sat there and faced the diagnosis and actually I did not had a choice, I had to be strong, at least pretend to be strong and take the surgery.

I was, how to describe a feeling that is almost eight years elapsed, devastated, I guess and somehow lost. There was just a big grey cloud coming up above me and I did not know how my life would go on, could go on in fact. The last things and emotions I remember where those of pain and doubts and of fear, a lot of fear, more fear than I will ever have to face afterwards, well, at least as far as I know at the age of twenty-two. Pain, as you might approve, is either making you stronger and wiser or breaks your heart and makes you give up. I choose, after a long period of thinking and doubting, that I wanted to be stronger and wiser, afterwards, in fact, cancer made me grow up very early.

As I sat i my hospital bed, waiting, I thought that life must hate me, that it chose me because I am a very bad person and I came to think that maybe I do not even deserve to live and that is why I was facing this illness inside my body. Hours went by, some lonely, some with company, but mostly I just wanted to be alone, all by myself, so I can think about life and its meanings, its decisions and destiny.

At that point of life I came to wonder what destiny really is. Everyone is talking about destiny but no one tries to explain it so what is destiny really?

To me, destiny allegorizes the maintenance history of a human being, on the one hand understood as a kind of personified higher might that influences a human beings life without humanely condition. On the other hand you can describe it as a kind of not influenceable appropriateness as a personal attribute. It is some kind of mythological allmightiness that leads our lives uncontrollably into an unpredictable direction.

The nurse came and brought me to the operation theatre and from that point on everything went to fast to remember…blinding lights, ten seconds of counting down, falling asleep, not dreaming, sleeping, waking up, exhaustion, pain,… LIFE.

I was alive, still and I happened to make the decision to stay alive as long as possible, and you see, though pain and doubts you can hold on, and you can survive, because every soul deserved living the way it wants to. God bless you all.




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