Mr.StrictlyIntimate

the Life, the Love and the Sex of Vienna.

the Thought of the inevitable State of our Lives and the Day we all have to Face one Time


In the last time I often sit at home, in the evenings, all by myself and think about life. Its advantages, its happenings, its surprises and everything that it had in store for me, so far. While I sit on my Canapé, reading Vogue, drinking black tea with soy milk and listening to music the thoughts of lonesomeness often comes to my mind. Don’t get me wrong, I have wonderful friends with whom I love to go out, have dinner, or just watch a movie, but sometimes, you just need someone at your side, that gives you more than the love of a caring friend. I don’t have a boyfriend since quite a long time, though I have been madly in love with my last one, and I guess, I still am, but nevertheless, I just sometimes feel the need to simply lie in the arms of a man that has feelings for me, that overwhelm me and my emotions completely. And on that point of my thoughts I often switch to a question that is on my mind since I attended the wedding of my frenemy S. about two weeks ago: What happens when we die? How does dying or being dead already feel? How is it to not BE anymore? How is it to lose someone or be lost? Those questions inevitably cross my mind every day since that particular day. I can’t get these thoughts out of my mind, unless I do not find a proper, adequate and satisfying answer.

the Thought of Losing and of Being lost

the Thought of Losing and of Being lost

I sat there, on a bench in the church and looked at the happy bridal couple, while the clergyman spoke his words on marriage and God and the unbreakable love I began to think about dying and the fact that I just did not want to die before being married, at least once. I kind of began freaking out on the thought of dying and the fact that when you die it is over… when I say over, I think about the process of thinking, of looking at things and analyzing them, looking at things and liking them, thinking them to be beautiful. I think about the process of loving someone, being a friend to someone. I think about having your eyes closed and not being able to open them, numb, and not being able to think, to breathe, to see, to feel, to hear. You are just not there anymore, physically yes, but not mentally! I hate this thought. It really makes me cry and I am petrified on this thought. I just can’t get rid of him, no matter if I try to sleep, sit in my best friend’s car or if I am on my way to work or university…this thought…these thoughts are always there and they kind of hurt when I imagine myself not being able to think anymore, not being able to BE anymore.

the Thought of not Being anymore

the Thought of not Being anymore

In my dreams I find myself in a coffin screaming the hell out of my lungs and it is so abominably narrow and small in it that I almost feel the coffin-walls coming closer to crush me to death, though I am already and I scream and no one hears me, because I am not alive anymore, and no one cares about hearing me, because they think I am at a better place though I actually just not AM anymore. It is horrible. Completely, inevitably horrifying me.

I never thought I would be afraid of dying, the process itself, as long as it did not hurt. I believe in God and the better place, at least I do not believe in the last one anymore. There is no better place than being alive, being able to breathe, to feel, to visualize, every single day, and mostly even without noticing. But since I sat there, in church I hate the thought of getting older every single second of every single day and therefore getting even closer to die one day, maybe without even being loved one day…maybe without being important to someone at the point of dying…maybe without having fulfilled your dreams, your heart’s desire, everything you ever wanted or expected of life.

the Thought of not having fulfilled your Heart's desire

the Thought of not having fulfilled your Heart's desire

My imagination drives me wild and right now I sit here and face the inevitable fact that we ALL have to die one day, and that, maybe some of us sooner than they would have ever expected. I do not want to die, I am honest, but I know that I have to and I hope, that God has a little more love prepared for me, for my future life, if there is one. I want to marry, I want to have a child, I want to have my dream job, to fulfill my heart’s desire, the one I have since I am nine years of age. I want to live and I love every single second of life, even if they are frightening or desperate ones.

I love them. I love life. I love myself.

XOXO

Mr.StrictlyIntimate

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5 Comments»

  peekaaboo wrote @

I feel its good to pose yourself these philosophical questions from time to time. It helps recharge our sentimental batteries and realise how lucky we are to be here.

I am not afraid of death as I believe in reincarnation (eventho I’m RC).I have’nt done anything bad to my knowledge so I’m confident my journey back to life will be smooth.
Believe in yourself R.

Nothing is worth more than this day – Goethe.

  Mr.StrictlyIntimate wrote @

That is definitely a true statement. A lot of our kind, human beings, do not know how lucky they actually are to be able to live a life. Life, as a gift from a higher power, that gives us the chance to change sometimes, and to fulfill our heart’s desires and all our dreams.
People often take it for granted what they have, living in this universe, world, on this planet actually, and breathing its air, drinking its water, walking its paths.

I believe in reincarnation too, but on the other hand, there still are doubts in my mind. What if it really is over when all is over?

XOXO
Mr.StrictlyIntimate

  Surge wrote @

It’s like I wrote this myself.. a year ago.

I used to completely freak out about this. One night it hit me so hard that I had a panic attack – and that’s what started them. I find I’m much more panicky since that moment, these thoughts don’t go away once they’re shown to you. I guess that as your naivety has disappeared, it doesn’t come back.

Now, I thought before, why me? Why did I have to think this, why can’t I go back? I spent that whole night crying, shaking, thinking I was the only one that had a problem like this but I reaslied that is how you accept death. To face it, to feel it, to know the fear inside and out; and then get passed it.

You’ve felt it, and theres no need in torturing yourself anymore about it. I know what you know, and others do too. I’ve got my family, they make me happy, I live in the small moments and know that there must be a reason. All I know is that I appreciate everything, even the pain.

  Mr.StrictlyIntimate wrote @

Well is it really that way? Once you have felt it you stop thinking about it and thinking about it equals torturing while in my opinion it might actually be more a phase in life you have to face to realize how important life and all the little things in life are…
Maybe you are right, maybe it is kind of torturing, but at the same time it is also an issue of philosophy and self-psychology, well at least that is what I think.

Appreciating the pain is easy if you have the thought in mind, that it helps you to grow as a person and as a human being connected to the circle of life.

XOXO

  before I die… « Mr.StrictlyIntimate wrote @

[…] or losing, which accidentally and irrevocably comes close to either living or dying. So thinking of a list of things to do before one dies (just like the protagonist of this book) doesn’t seem to be so bad and weird if one […]


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