Mr.StrictlyIntimate

the Life, the Love and the Sex of Vienna.

the Night without Sleep


An entry I typed into my BlackBerry last night in bed…

It is 5.12. a.m. on a Sunday morning [January the 24th, 2010 – rather] and I am lying awake in bed listening to Robert Pattinson’s song ‘Never Think’ and can’t get myself to finally fall asleep – at least for a bit. Every now and then I feel some tears rolling down my eyes and cheeks onto my pillow which is wet by now, because my ex-boyfriend bombs me with short messages and I can’t cope with it the way I should [or wish I would be able to] after all this time.
I feel the way he is purposely hurting me but I can’t fight against it because I am too hurt and too weak for such a fight.
Actually I do not know why I got caught so deep into this whole thing but he just mesmerized me and everything he said in such a long period of time always seemed to be the only thing that counted for me.


What is it with love that people lose their minds and happen to be somehow addicted on someone as if your life would stick to it? What is it with this chemical process in our brains we call love that makes us zombie – like in our own life, somehow prisoners of everything we actually swore we never wanted to be? Is there any cure or way out to mend the pieces of a broken heart that are split all over the place?

I lie in my bed and it hurts – everything hurts. Every breath, every move, every little thought…even the slightest touch of my blanket which should actually comfort and warm me feels like a thousands pins.

When does it take an end? Will it ever take an end? Will this end be satisfying me? Or will this satisfaction turn out to be nothing but pure pain – forever more?

I don’t know, because you never quite know. Love is, well just love and it happens without an explainable reason. Would you want to stop it? Well – though all this pain I think I wouldn’t. There has to be someone out there that can truly love me… Or not?

XOXO

Mr.StricltyIntimate

P.S.: I did not fall asleep last night. I got up at 6.30 a.m. made myself some black tea with a shot of soy milk and worked on my next collection – a dedication to the trench coat – stay tuned for ore details. I love you, thanks for sticking with me.

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6 Comments»

  Mike wrote @

I think Love is the only true energy in the universe.
Its the same like working for a dream that only you can see.
nobody will see it until it turns to reality.
and the way to the transformation of the dream will be hard and full of hurts and unexplainable happenings.
But in the end the only thing that matters is that you can see the dream and not the others.
The only thing that matters is that you can spend love and maybe love your self.
Love will ever find a way to you but you have to be open for it.
I truly can feel your pain and sorrow but i can promise that it will be better.
Maybe sooner as you think!
Sorry about my bad English Grammar, but this is a message from a friend and i send it to you from the bottom of my heart!
Wish you all the best
Mike

  Mr.StrictlyIntimate wrote @

Thank you Mike,

I truly and deeply appreciate your words and somehow they comfort me because I know my life is good on the account of having friends that are always there for you no matter what may come up.

xoxo

  Len wrote @

Love does not exist. Accept it and you’ll have a better live. Love is fear, only. Fear to loose control – control of your life, and the
fear of changes. Nothing else. Face it.

Len

  Mr.StrictlyIntimate wrote @

Dear Len,

do you really believe in this? Do you really think that love does not exist? Well – there has been a point in my life where I would have shared your opinion 100 % but I did realize that love is out there. Think about your parents, your sister or brother, your best friends – if you love them you have to realize that love does exist and it is closer than you might think.

I know I may suffer right now but somehow this pain makes me a stronger character and I love life more than the pain a special person causes me could erase.
Thank you for your comment, I do hope you like the blog – I appreciate your words.

xoxo

  Len wrote @

I didn’t mean to sound rude – so sorry for that.

The “love” you feel for your family and friends is completely different than the “love” you feel for your partner. If not – what’s the difference? Sex? Think about it.

Normally your “best friends” won’t beak up with you because they found someone better, or need time for themselves or whatever. Same with your family. There’s absolutley nothing to worry about – except you’re a complete asshole.

In a relationship the game is different. You need to worry about a lot of things and you think about a lot of things, like “Why didn’t she/he return my call asap?” – you know what I mean. Why? Because you love her/him? Or maybe you just fear that she/he might hurt you. Why does it hurt you? Because you fear that she/he might end your relationship from one day to another without a reason. Why you fear that? Because humans hate changes, so sadly love is fear, only.

Len

  Mr.StrictlyIntimate wrote @

Hey Len,

you did not sound rude – everyone is allowed to speak his mind out and I like people that are honest and act straight.

I totally get your point and I have to tell you that I thought about it and yes, I can agree with your opinion on the difference of love between family/friends and love in a relationship.

It is fear, indeed that guides us in a relationship and mostly we only commit because we are afraid of being alone. Love does not automatically signify a happy end and all the questions you wrote down are truly those I often ask myself.

xoxo


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