An entry I typed into my BlackBerry last night in bed…
It is 5.12. a.m. on a Sunday morning [January the 24th, 2010 – rather] and I am lying awake in bed listening to Robert Pattinson’s song ‘Never Think’ and can’t get myself to finally fall asleep – at least for a bit. Every now and then I feel some tears rolling down my eyes and cheeks onto my pillow which is wet by now, because my ex-boyfriend bombs me with short messages and I can’t cope with it the way I should [or wish I would be able to] after all this time.
I feel the way he is purposely hurting me but I can’t fight against it because I am too hurt and too weak for such a fight.
Actually I do not know why I got caught so deep into this whole thing but he just mesmerized me and everything he said in such a long period of time always seemed to be the only thing that counted for me.
What is it with love that people lose their minds and happen to be somehow addicted on someone as if your life would stick to it? What is it with this chemical process in our brains we call love that makes us zombie – like in our own life, somehow prisoners of everything we actually swore we never wanted to be? Is there any cure or way out to mend the pieces of a broken heart that are split all over the place?
I lie in my bed and it hurts – everything hurts. Every breath, every move, every little thought…even the slightest touch of my blanket which should actually comfort and warm me feels like a thousands pins.
When does it take an end? Will it ever take an end? Will this end be satisfying me? Or will this satisfaction turn out to be nothing but pure pain – forever more?
I don’t know, because you never quite know. Love is, well just love and it happens without an explainable reason. Would you want to stop it? Well – though all this pain I think I wouldn’t. There has to be someone out there that can truly love me… Or not?
P.S.: I did not fall asleep last night. I got up at 6.30 a.m. made myself some black tea with a shot of soy milk and worked on my next collection – a dedication to the trench coat – stay tuned for ore details. I love you, thanks for sticking with me.