As a matter of fact it turned out that dealing with the end of a relationship isn’t as easy as I thought it would actually be…well not as I thought but as I hoped is more like it.
In times of loneliness and sadness you sometimes start to focus on thinking about yourself – your own needs, your future life, your goals, your friends and everything else that can or should be connected to the matters of a heart.
While I am deeply caught in the process of finding/meeting the real me I inevitably come across asking myself millions of questions on, as it turns out, I hardly have a sorted out answer, though I always happened to think of myself as being a totally psyched and planned out person.
So as I sit there in the metro, being on the way to catch up with K I find myself thinking if all these horribly dressed people around me do know what they are living for and if they have any back up plans in terms of plans going all wrong against every expectation? Is life really all about us and commiting to ourselves the only real chance of commiting at all? (Well, for some of us at least?)
I wonder – on the road of growing up, when did life become so serious, uneasy and insecure? Is it life or is it just us being scared of the future because we never know what we might get out of living with all those partly unnecessary emotions – the good as well as the bad ones?
What is it that gives us strength to go on? To keep on living every single day? Is it love? Well, hardly if you are all by yourself – without someone to love or without someone to be in love with you. Is it the thought, the hope of finding someone special who encourages you to fight through all the struggles that life puts you through?
Honestly, what is it that makes us get up every morning to face 24 hours of living when you actually never know what you might get or make out of it? Is it the thrill of the unexpected – not knowing what is out there? Or is it the excitement of what could be out there one day if your dreams may come true? And what if they do not – what happens then?
As I write these lines I come more and more close to the precise point of believing that life is defined by us torturing ourselves to become someone others expect us to become, because of certain achievements we’ve set in our minds – do we raise the bar of expectations all by ourselves or are we just trying to be better than anyone else around us?
What is it with us that we feel so much but know so less about emotions? What is it that we still try to aim for something we might never get the way we actually imagine it – the perfect partner, a wonderful family, a successful career with a safe job? All those thoughts have no meanings in real life, because here on this planet nothing is really safe and nothing seems meant to be – no love, no future and not even a thing called destiny. There is no destiny but the knowledge that if you work hard you someday might change everything.
That’s it as cheap and as easy as it may sound – as hard it is to live with this thought because it is desillusioning and taking every hope that fate changes life. It simply won’t. The only one who can change anything is you – all by yourself, without any help and without any romantic literary delineation of a fairy…you are the only fairy existing in your life. Make something with it – or else you will regret. Forever.