Since Amy died I am back on being hooked on her song ‘Love is a Losing Game’ and while I seem to be done with guys always letting me down or telling me we’re incompatible or telling me that I am too harsh on the people around me I wonder if LOVE really is a losing game (and if I have already lost it)?!
What happens once we have given up on hoping that out there is a kind of guy that is waiting just for you – to give you shelter, security and above all, the feeling of being enough just the way you are? Are we ever going to be enough for a certain someone or are we doomed ending up with nothing but settling for the wrong reasons? Like financial security instead of a secure feeling when you lie in his arms; a solid relationship instead of a loving romance; a partner who is there when he tells you he will be, instead of not showing up because of the wrong reasons but making it all up by kissing and holding you just the right way? What is the right choice when it comes to love meeting the future you?
Is love maybe really the only game people are meant to lose in order to be successful? In order to stay real and true to themselves?
When it comes to love and men it seems that I am absolutely helpless because of a personal fight with an emotional ambivalence that I can’t seem to win, because of happenings and experiences that broke pieces out of my heart and my soul that can’t be mend. And above all, how should I be able to trust in men when all they have to give me as a reason of not working out is, that it appears to be because of incompatibility? It is like someone is telling me ‘hey, sorry, but I am a PC and you are a MacBook – we just don’t fit because there is no software update available that suits the both of us.’ Are you fucking kidding me?
How is a guy supposed to learn to trust again if all he gets are reasons not even a Mac Shop Assistant can help him with? What is that supposed to teach an emotionally rational guy that still did not completely give up on a little bit of romance yet?! Stability? To always back up because once the damage is done you can’t get back the emotional data that got lost in nirvana?
I simply don’t get it and it appears to me that it will stay on my mind for quite a time until I might be even close to get any results out of thinking about it. For now – sleep tight and never forget to back up!