Archive for Diary
Time went by so quickly and now I find myself almost at the end of February realizing I haven’t written on Mr.StrictlyIntimate in quite some time. A lot of you might wonder why I went M.I.A, other’s might be glad I did because they’ve had enough of myself, just like, well, myself. I simply couldn’t bear the thought of going on and on and on about myself and my inner motivations and problems — that’s why I needed a well deserved break.
Now I am back. Not bigger or better than ever, but most certainly in quite a different position than two months ago. Back then I had a job I hated, a boss who lost his temper every fifteen seconds and friends I managed to finally alienate because they brought me down more than they cheered me up.
In some ways I am back better than ever for I shook myself free of the devil sitting on my back as Florence + the Machine would put it. I successfully finished the first semester of my Master studies heading directly towards seconds semester. I have new exciting projects that I am working on. I am writing more than ever before. And so on and so on. Doesn’t it sound great if I just write it out and try to believe it myself?
Thing is, emotionally I am right where I have been before. The only thing that changed is that I am working differently than before. Emotionally, I am still captivated between denying the existence of love and shutting people out because I simply hate to talk about feelings. Currently I find it rather hard to keep my temper. I constantly have to remind myself to not get too angry with people but I just can’t stand stupidity. It upsets me just as much as the fact that I have sleeping problems like never before. In the last two weeks I had four nights where I did not sleep a single minute at all… all the other nights I tossed and turned in my bed counting VOGUE to fall asleep and when I managed to do so I woke up after a maximum of three hours and couldn’t get back to sleeping again.
I think I should feel exhausted but I don’t. I just look forward to the second semester starting tonight as well as working on my projects. I think, if I keep on working hard and make every minute count one day it might pay off to be the way I am, even though I might be emotionally damaged.
First of all, I don’t take myself that seriously. I take what I do seriously, and I try to do a good job. (Denzel Washington in GQ US Oct 2012)
At University I feel like being at a point of struggling lately. I don’t have a problem with my grades or my motivation or with the environment. I am actually quite comfortable there, though, there are a few things that really bug me, but hey, you can find things that bug you or make you mad or angry always somewhere, somehow. So, that’s no big deal for me.
As you already know from some earlier entries, I am getting my master’s degree in Journalism and New Media — if you haven’t known so far, you know now. These studies involve a lot of writing, heavy writing. Sometimes these written exposés try to take me out of my comfort zone and I’m going there, out of it. But early on, when signing the contract with the university, I kind of made a pact with myself. I swore to everything that’s worth the world to me, you know, Burberry; VOGUE; Jane Austen; that, no matter what I was about to say or write or do, it would always be consisting of three things: HONESTY, STYLE and AUTHENTICITY.
With everything I write and have people read I want them to not just get to know me and my point of view, I want to present them the perspective of someone finally having an opinion and putting it out there. Even if they do not agree with what I have to say or like the way I say things but at least, it makes them think about my words and actions and opinions and maybe even gets them to form their own opinions — either on me or the topics I write about. I don’t want people to always agree with me, I think most people don’t get that I live for making them speechless; wondering if I’m really being serious. I love to make people laugh or cry reading my words. I love people to be confused by my words; to later on think about what I said once. I want them to form an opinion about my words — either good or bad.
But, what I want the utmost is for them to always find ME in the words I write, the stories I tell!
That’s not because I think I am the most brilliant person in the world, or the most talented, or the most articulate, or the one everyone has to listen to. I know, compared to a lot of other more influential people I might am not influential at all but still — who I am reflects who I want to be. And one day I want to make a change. I want to show people that they can achieve anything they want if they truly stay themselves and go ahead with it. Pull it off relentlessly.
I just want people to know that they can rely on me having an opinion; having a character that I can put out there, a character that doesn’t give a fuck about the things other people say just because they do not like the fact that I’m straight forward and relentlessly sincere. That is the authenticity in my words. I know, I may put a lot of fashion words in writing because I love the visual language and emotional depth of clothing. I want to be a character, people trust because they know one hundred percent that I am honest with them, and straight forward, and that everything I say and write and do is authentically constituting myself. Giving them a part of something they might be able to relate to.
This is who I am and I can’t understand why people always try to force you to be more like the others or more formal or writing based on guidelines. I write what I think and feel and would say in every second I live and breathe, for everything I always wanted to do.
Don’t get me wrong — I do abide by a certain set of rules when it comes to writing, like grammar or spelling. But what I want people to understand and accept and respect and tolerate is the fact that out there one must be himself and unique in order to survive this crazy mixed up world. That is what I am — that is what I believe in — that is what makes me truly special and different. I know who I am and I always make sure people understand that no matter what I say and write and do — it’s done by myself. With outspoken HONESTY, sharp STYLE and one hundred percent AUTHENTICITY. All three in capital letters.
Take it, or leave it.
Isn’t it fair to let them know what we think about them instead of leading them on? (Mr.StrictlyIntimate)
On Monday I started counting down the days. Since waking up this morning I find myself constantly counting down the hours until my plane leaves for London early Saturday morning. I am not just fleeing from my mother tongue but also my mother — to be honest, from my whole family.
I am NOT the type of guy who enjoys being with his ‘loved’ ones on such occasions, after all, I am not even someone who likes to celebrate any festivity except for one — my own birthday last year. But that only because I was turning 25 — which equals a quarter of a century and therefore, marked a very special moment in my life and I felt the desperate need to celebrate myself. This turning point defined the moment where I was finally able to look into a mirror and see myself as the person I am with all my positive but also negative sides. And I embrace each and every one of them. Therefore, a big fat Burberry Birthday bash.
Back to the main topic — Saturday morning I’ll be off to not celebrating every single year’s most hyped and most overrated festivity of all – Christmas. I will be in London, toasting to myself and all I have achieved in my life but also to all the things that still are ahead of me. I will toast to my colleague J who will accompany me on my trip to not celebrating Christmas.
You may remember that once I actually tried to be all about the family or all about building up one myself with my ex-boyfriend exactly two years ago. Well, but just as “love” comes and goes, he decided to go and I was the one who was left behind, the broken-hearted, the one that was hurt and miserable during Christmas time. That acually was the moment where I have decided to never fall in love again — to never feel the need to celebrate Christmas with a family I never had and never will have — to build myself a relationship that will never work out the way I would want it to. Christmas, to me, is dead and will always be off topic. On a permanent level.
These heavy negative feelings towards that “special” time of the years don’t just resonate from the break up with my ex-boyfriend but also from the one with the ex before and also from my family history. That part maybe the most. I am not a family’s person because I really don’t like most members of my family. I don’t really know how “family” actually really feels because I never had those people who you could trust and rely on. I was always relying on just myself. Frankly spoken, I don’t care for calling them and neither do they care for calling me. (Of course, I shall mention that I have sister who is from utmost importance to me.) And, the part that might be very weird for you is, that I like it that way and am fine with it and I am not missing any of those family actions other people have to go through. Feels pretty fake to me, even though to them it might be real. Somewhere there is always a crack or a scar trying to hide from the eyes of an outsider. But we always know it’s there. Always.
Sometimes I feel like most people aren’t just worth being given the chance to enter your life — they don’t deserve it because they mostly just want to take advantage of you, or steal your shadow, or the power you try to build up yourself, or simply disappoint you in the end by not being honest. Honesty and loyalty is what I expect from people who want to be called friends. That is what people will always get from me — no matter what — honesty, sincerity, authenticity, loyalty. Once I call someone a friend, he or she can have my all, but lately I have come to the conclusion that most of the people I meet throughout my journey of growing up just aren’t worth it, as much as I might not be worth their energy or their time or their whatever it is that seems important to them. People come and go, and so do friendships — that’s the greatest thing about growing up, you get to meet so many brilliant people who can, if you let them, enrich your life and help you to grow on so many different levels. I want to stop labeling the relationships between people as being colleagues, or friends, or foes, or family, or frenemies, or love interests, or relationships, or sex buddies, or friends with benefits, or whatever we call those people we keep close to us and also on a certain distance.
I feel the need of making it clear to people that trust is something that can only be found in oneself. I trust myself, therefore, I will not put my faith or trust into others if I already know beforehand that they will disappoint me anyway. If I disappoint myself, it is my own fault and then it’s fine with me because I know next time I will make a change and make it better. Trusting others, just appears to be a waste of time to me. As much as it is a waste of time to be angry with people. And I am angry with rude behavior or massive flaws in manners constantly and I always have to remind myself not to be angry, not to care so much. Sometimes I just do.
The people I like will know that I like them because I am straight forward and say what I want to say. I am not a guy of many emotions, well I was, but not anymore. I have come to terms with telling people straight away to back the fuck off, or to stop annoying me, or to just move away or to stay and come closer. Or whatever it is I want from someone at a particular moment.
Truth, honest and straight forwardness can enrich all our lives and I think that with these attributes human relationships could move into a new direction of independence and sincerity. If people would just be straight faced to one another there might never be any problems between humans because we could learn to face the truth. Which is: Not everyone can like us AND we can’t like anybody. Isn’t it fair to let them know what we think about them instead of leading them on?
Think about that — wouldn’t we avoid to spend our times trying to not hurt other people’s feelings if we could just tell them we do not like them and do not want to have any kind of contact with them, right away? Wouldn’t that save us a hell of a lot of time as much as a huge load of energy we could probably use for better purposes?
Hello, my Upper East Siders! Mr.StrictlyIntimate here.
I guess you have all seen, or heard it? How do you feel now that the best kept secret of television history is out? Are you shocked? Dazzled? Confused? Or simply speechless by the turn of events and this tremendous revelation? Let me tell you I was just angry with myself that I did not get it the first minute because I was totally hoping Lily (played by Kelly Rutherford, a mundane, elegant and gracious woman!) would turn out to be the Tell-All-Bitch helping her daughter Serena (played by sparkling Blake Lively) to stay in public to never being able turning her back on being a van der Woodsen but hey, sometimes even Mr.StrictlyIntimate can get things wrong. Hard to believe, isn’t it?
“What’s the difference between gossip and scandal? So glad you asked. Anyone can commit a minor indiscretion and generate a day’s worth of buzz, but in order for gossip to birth a true scandal it requires the right person to be in the wrong place. Take one ‘it’ girl on a pedestal, add a crowd eager to see her fall, and give them the means to knock her down.”
It’s out there, now. Dan Humphrey, or as we all love to call him (as well as he himself obviously did) Lonely Boy, is Gossip Girl. Who would have thought? After 5 Years, 6 Seasons and 121 Episodes Kristen Bell got kicked to the curve by being offered a guest appearance while her voice has been the cornerstone of our personal Gossip Girls ups and downs, just to make some space for Penn Badgley alias Lonely Boy to take the spotlight away from her. Poor K — they say, ‘There are no small parts, just small actors.”
“And some masks we wear because we hope to stay hidden. But that’s the problem with wearing masks. They can be ripped off at any moment.”
After seeing Monday’s final episode of my most beloved series I was feeling bittersweet. Not particularly sad because, you know “sad” is just not what I do. I have not outfit that goes with “sad” and “pitiful.” But still, I felt a little heartbroken that I can never again be in pure amazement about Blair Waldorf’s (played by amazingly wonderful Leighton Meester) hilarious wit, cruel intentions and fabulous fashion! At least, in the end Blair got to marry of her life Mister Chuck Bass (played by handsomely sexy Ed Westwick) in one of the most beautiful gowns by Elie Saab, a designer I cherish for his classic and elegant approach on the fashion of a modern woman who is aware and conscious of her body and wants to feel beautiful at any given point of time.
Other happenings in Questions:
Wasn’t it hilarious how Ivy for the first time realized that good old William was playing her to get to Lily?
Isn’t Blair’s and Chuck’s son simply adorable?
Doesn’t Georgina Sparks look as striking and evil as never before?
Doesn’t Dan Humphrey somehow look like he should seriously consider taking on showering again?
Wouldn’t it have been awesome if Lily van der Woodsen was Gossip Girl?
Wouldn’t it have been awesome if charmingly funny Dorota was Gossip Girl?
Didn’t we all think “well, that was kind of predictable” as Serena and Dan were about to get married at the end of the episode?
Wasn’t it pretty nice and neat how they managed to include every once important cast member in the story’s arch for this final bashing 40 minutes?
“In Manhattan, some parties are VIP only. Others are strictly private. But some parties are political, and those lines are drawn by the most established of the establishment. And once those lines are drawn, they can never be crossed.”
Don’t we all now feel like, “Damn, it’s really over, isn’t it?”
Well, my dear Upper East Siders, it really is. It was such a wonderful time watching those characters grow and develop, some more, some less, some almost not at all. Still, my Gossip Girl years were, besides Sex and the City and now Pretty Little Liars (the only thing I can still keep on holding on to) and Revenge, one of the best of my few hours spent in front of the television. This is all gone now, but hey, I got all the season on DVD and I can’t wait to get the sixth as well. This is a bittersweet farewell so I thought to ease the heartache here are some of Gossip Girl’s (or Dan’s) best quotes:
“Sometimes you need to step outside, clear your head and remind yourself of who you are. And where you wanna be. And sometimes you have to venture outside your world in order to find yourself.”
“But the worst thing the truth can do? Is when you finally tell it, it doesn’t set you free… but locks you away, forever.”
“In life, as in art, some endings are bittersweet. Especially when it comes to love. Sometimes fate throws two lovers together only to rip them apart. Sometimes the hero finally makes the right choice but the timing is all wrong. And, as they say, timing is everything.”
“One thing about being on the top of the world.. it gives you a long, long way to fall.”
“We make our own fortunes, and call them fate. And what better excuse to choose a path than to insist it’s our destiny? But at the end of the day, we all have to live with our choices … no matter who’s looking over our shoulder.”
“When you do finally get what you want, the problem is there’s always someone that’s trying to take it away. And all that wanting makes us blind to the fact that things aren’t exactly what we think they are. Maybe it’s better sometimes to just get what you need.”
“Sticks and stones may just break bones, but the wounds from words never heal. Especially when they’re words we hoped we’d never read.”
“They say every road comes to an end, but sometimes the end feels just like the beginning. Even when you think you’ve come a long way, you can suddenly find yourself right back where you started. Because every journey is fraught with twists and turns.”
What a ride those 5 years, 6 seasons and 121 episode were. Joyful. Tearful. Wonderful. Playful. Full of incredible fashion moments.
They say, “everything must come to an end” and they are quite right. This is the end of an era. This was the final episode, THE END, of Gossip Girl. This is Good-Bye to the most fashionable gang in television history.
Now it is all about guessing who the hell A is because Gossip Girl was revealed.
In life there are a few things that matter to people more than they matter to others. Some can’t live without their family and friends. Others not without their pets. Personally, I think it is always important to choose for yourself what it is that one can’t live without – whether it seems to be either too emotional or too materialistic to others. In fact, others do not matter at all when it comes to finding the one thing that makes you who you are; a happy, confident, sparkling personality. Someone who fights to achieve a certain goal – someone who won’t back down to get whatever one has set in mind – someone who, when he/she falls down or struggles gets back up again to fight.
These things that matter are a catalyst for motivation. They give you something fundamental. Spirit. Passion. Desire. Fire.
When it comes to myself, my very own catalyst I have to say it isn’t just, as many of you would expect, my love for fashion. It is leaving my past behind. It’s a dream. Isn’t that really what keeps us working and getting up every morning – the dream of who we want to be? Shouldn’t who we are now always mirror who we want to be in the future?
At least that is one of the mottos I try to live and express every day. I am now (or, at least try to be) in some parts exactly where and how I see myself in a couple of years – on a personal level. But of course, I never want to stop to grow and learn and develop myself and give myself the chance to modify my innermost as well as my style in every possible way.
I want people to see fire in my eyes when I talk about my goals and dreams! I want to them to see my determination, my fire. This boy is on fire! And this fire will not just burn – it will inflame anyone and anything close to it!
Though this lack of sleep and rest is in my life right now I feel so full of energy! I want it all – I want to burst in flames. I want to work, I want to do everything that is in me to achieve every single piece of a dream I hold in mind since I can think and create dreams and hopes and wishes.
I can. I will. I am Fire!
In the first moment I thought, ‘Well, this must be the reason why people do not want to get hit by a bus…’ At least, I guess it must feel like this. Unexpectedly agonizing; deeply irritating and overwhelmingly weird. And within seconds it’s all gone. All the feelings, all the thoughts, all the deep meanings to something that has been but isn’t there anymore.
It’s been two years now. Plus, minus one week. I can’t remember exactly but I know it was October. The weirdest and most agonizing October I have ever had. I was in a dark place I put myself because I was overly dramatic and overly emotional, which lead me directly to being ridiculously irrationally driven by these emotions of just being dumbed by someone you’ve loved. And today I saw him. In a car right in front of my university building. For the first time since we broke up. He broke up with me. Not we. He.
Here I am now with these two years on my hands and on my Facebook timeline and I became aware of one thing tonight: THIS was crucial for final closure. On my way home from University I have thought a lot about times with W and once I arrived home, entering my own four walls through those double doors I realized – I grew a lot in more ways than I have ever expected of myself. In the first few moments of being at home during the change of my outfit I was thinking about what I was feeling. I couldn’t quite make it out. Was I sad? No. Was I angry? No. Was I grieving? No.
Then there it was. The realization of what I must have been waiting for… for forever. I felt nothing but the satisfaction of the moment of knowing that I really am fine with it. I have moved on and I feel like a better version of myself. Mr.StrictlyIntimate exists for three and a half years now. I have been through so much, emotionally and work relatedly. I have grown to become a skyscraper for the relationship with my ex showed me so many facets of being a human being without the necessity of always having to be perfect but being who you are with everything you are. Every flaw you think you hate but actually, deep within fucking love. Every piece of you that loves life. Every piece of you that burns for something – a passion; as wild as the hottest, sexiest kiss you have ever tasted on your lips. Every piece of a dream you work your ass of for. Every minute of a day you live and breathe and work and love and struggle just because you want to feel alive.
This is it! This is life. And it’s beautiful, immaculate, opulent, fantastic, passionate… it is everything you make it!
If you feel like breaking down because someone recently told you he/she doesn’t love you anymore – so be it! Break down! BUT get your ass back up again because life is A-MAZING! And it begins over and over again. Once you break down, you get back up and try again – harder and better than ever before! Over and over again. Because that is what makes you FEARLESS! That is what makes dreams beautiful: fighting for them with every piece of your heart.
After all, it’s his/her loss, isn’t it?!