the Life, the Love and the Sex of Vienna.

Archive for Pain

Begin Again.

In the first moment I thought, ‘Well, this must be the reason why people do not want to get hit by a bus…’ At least, I guess it must feel like this. Unexpectedly agonizing; deeply irritating and overwhelmingly weird. And within seconds it’s all gone. All the feelings, all the thoughts, all the deep meanings to something that has been but isn’t there anymore.

It’s been two years now. Plus, minus one week. I can’t remember exactly but I know it was October. The weirdest and most agonizing October I have ever had. I was in a dark place I put myself because I was overly dramatic and overly emotional, which lead me directly to being ridiculously irrationally driven by these emotions of just being dumbed by someone you’ve loved. And today I saw him. In a car right in front of my university building. For the first time since we broke up. He broke up with me. Not we. He.

Here I am now with these two years on my hands and on my Facebook timeline and I became aware of one thing tonight: THIS was crucial for final closure. On my way home from University I have thought a lot about times with W and once I arrived home, entering my own four walls through those double doors I realized – I grew a lot in more ways than I have ever expected of myself. In the first few moments of being at home during the change of my outfit I was thinking about what I was feeling. I couldn’t quite make it out. Was I sad? No. Was I angry? No. Was I grieving? No.

Then there it was. The realization of what I must have been waiting for… for forever. I felt nothing but the satisfaction of the moment of knowing that I really am fine with it. I have moved on and I feel like a better version of myself. Mr.StrictlyIntimate exists for three and a half years now. I have been through so much, emotionally and work relatedly. I have grown to become a skyscraper for the relationship with my ex showed me so many facets of being a human being without the necessity of always having to be perfect but being who you are with everything you are. Every flaw you think you hate but actually, deep within fucking love. Every piece of you that loves life. Every piece of you that burns for something – a passion; as wild as the hottest, sexiest kiss you have ever tasted on your lips. Every piece of a dream you work your ass of for. Every minute of a day you live and breathe and work and love and struggle just because you want to feel alive.

This is it! This is life. And it’s beautiful, immaculate, opulent, fantastic, passionate… it is everything you make it!
If you feel like breaking down because someone recently told you he/she doesn’t love you anymore – so be it! Break down! BUT get your ass back up again because life is A-MAZING! And it begins over and over again. Once you break down, you get back up and try again – harder and better than ever before! Over and over again. Because that is what makes you FEARLESS! That is what makes dreams beautiful: fighting for them with every piece of your heart.

After all, it’s his/her loss, isn’t it?!




Pretty Little Liars: the Big Midseason BetrAyal!

Pretty Little Liars: the BetrAyal Suspect Tracker

Who will betrAy our Pretty Little Liars?

Well, well, well it’s here: the Midseason Summer Finale of our nasty Pretty Little Liars! I think it is going to be pretty epic and I can’t wait to see who is responsible for the big betrAyal that will cause our girls so much pAin that they think the world is opening up before their feet trying to swAllow them completely. Aren’t you as excited as me? Do your brains work on trying to solve the riddle of Team A?

There are a lot of theories on the World Wide Web on how the Liars are going to be betrAyed but I definitely think that someone is going to die (someone just has to, right?!) and that none of our four liars is directly involved in being the betrAyer but I will keep an open spot for that Job for either Melissa, Paige or Ashley. The thing is – there is nothing told about what the betrAyal is so it could be anything and just indirectly involved with A and/or Team A! At least we get to know one member of Team A.

Ah I am so thrilled and excited and I just can’t wait until the television starts to blast Secret by The Pierces because then I know the episode is definitely about to start and the marathon of emotions is not just close but finally here!

Let’s see what crazy Mona holds in stores for us for this episode for I think our lunatic has a little surprise up her black hooded sleeves. We’ll see, we’ll see.
Until it’s here hold your breath bitches because this episode is going to be pretty fucking E-P-I-C!



Just Let Go.

Big boys & girls don’t cry. They forget all their pain, keep their chins and heads up high and, go on with living this life like a fucking fighter. No matter what. Sure, there are times in this life where you sometimes face dead-ends or, when you find yourself somewhere without knowing how the hell you got there and even more how the hell you’re going to get out of there. Or, when you try to move on in your industry but you can’t and you feel like being trapped at the same place, same space and same moment – over and over again.

It's a Dead-End Road

It is times like these when you just have to loosen up and let it all go. Of Everything. All the thoughts, all the negativity, all the cynicism (believe me – with me there is a lot of negativity and cynicism going on and sometimes it seems to be impossible to just letting it go, but it works. Somehow. If you just try.), all the things that are fucking with your head making you the fabulous mess you are. Sure, all those things make you unbelievably special and you feel like you can’t do anything without them – mostly, not going on without them, moving on without them even for the smallest of steps BUT, believe me, sometimes you just have to LET GO.

I have no clue why the hell I am talking about dead ends now for this day actually had a great start with me taking Mr F out on his Birthday Dinner to Fleming’s Deluxe Hotel Wien-City. Their restaurant is not just a very subtle and sophisticated designed place but also has a lot of calm and relaxed charm to it even though being absolutely posh and high-class. My Buffalo Mozzarella with Tomatoes was amazing but the Steak was just phenomenal and tremendously delicious. Mr F ordered the Asparagus with Ham and Prosciutto accompanied by oil and a self-made hollandaise sauce which according to him was purely perfect. And we all know how hard it is to make perfect Asparagus. Well, okay, honestly I really don’t know but I have heard of it or something.

Fleming's Deluxe Hotel

Even though I feel good and look even better and, even though we had an amazingly funny and great time I felt the need of talking about dead ends. I think I have to be plain honest there now – at the moment I feel like slowly coming close to a dead end where I somehow will not be able to decide where to go to go on. I am quite satisfied at the moment: I like my job, I love my friends and I sometimes even have some time to allow myself a little bit of panic shopping at Burberry. But still something bugs me and something feels terribly wrong moving me closer to a position where I might not be able to find my way out as easy as I let out all those witty and sassy comments that make me who I am to all of you.

You know you love me, allow yourself to finally admit it even though you might be thinking I am a little bit weird. So what. I bet you are as weird as I am, which, by the way might be the exact reason you like reading this blog. You can relate to me AND isn’t there anything better than that? Knowing that somewhere out there – maybe even in a far, far away country there is someone who thinks and acts and talks just the way you do? I find it kind of soothing to know I am not the only guy with a spleen out there.

Sometimes, this thought takes away the feeling of being alone on this goddamn planet. Sometimes it is good to know that you are not alone even though you might be the only one in a room but NO, out there – very close to you or, very far away – are people who feel the exact same thing at the exact same moment. Isn’t that fucking scary and great at the same time?



Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry CD Cover

P.S. Yesterday, shortly before going to bed I heard a song on YouTube – a cover of Fergie’s big smash hit ‘Big Girls Don’t Cry’ (you know the song with a very hunky Milo Ventimiglia playing the male lead in the video) – sung by the Glee Cast and somehow (as very often before) I can’t get it out of my head and it haunts me (in a good way, of course) ever since I got up in the morning to find myself watching two of my most favorite episodes of Sex and the City – ‘I love a Charade (S05E08)’ and, ‘The Post-It Always Sticks Twice (S06E07).’For me, another big hit by the Glee Posse who from the very first episode on sneaked their way into my heart, mind, body and soul and never got out of there. Not for one single moment – not for one single song that I did not like as much as a lot of others.

A Song That Should Be Played When You… / the Music Saga [Part II]

Given the circumstances of people around me recently getting disappointed or their heart broken by significant other’s I thought it might be time to cheer them up and show them not just my affection but that I am ALWAYS (in capital letters!) there for them whenever they need me. And, another thing that might help is the knowledge of the existence of people everywhere getting their heart broken almost any minute but most of them get back up, hold their heads up high and their hearts wide open to put themselves out there in order to one day find someone who knows they are worth fighting for. (And worth being the only one to date or fuck or touch at all.)

So here is Part II of my Music Saga – A Song That Should Be Played When You…

“…it’s alright, OK – I’m so much better without you! I won’t feel sorry.”

Ashley Tisdale – It’s Alright, It’s OK
[Album: Guilty Pleasure]

Ashley Tisdale - It's Alright, It's OK (Single Cover)

“…What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller. Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone.”

Kelly Clarkson – Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)
[Album: Stronger]

Kelly Clarkson - Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) [Single Cover]

“…Trying to apologize, you’re so ugly when you cry. Please, just cut it out.”

Rihanna – Take a Bow
[Album: Good Girl Gone Bad: Reloaded]

Rihanna - Take a Bow (Single Cover)

“…Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.”

Adele – Someone Like You
[Album: 21]

Adele - Someone Like You (Single Cover)

“…I will love again. Though my heart is breaking I will love again. Stronger than before.”

Lara Fabian – I Will Love Again
[Album: Lara Fabian]

Lara Fabian - I Will Love Again (Single Cover)

“…I’m a survivor (What?). I’m not goin’ give up (What?). I’m not goin’ stop (What?). I’m goin’ work harder (What?).”

Destiny’s Child – Survivor
[Album: Survivor]

Destiny's Child - Survivor (Single Cover)

“…nothing’s fine I’m torn! I’m all out of faith. This is how I feel.”

Natalie Imbruglia – Torn
[Album: Left Off the Middle]

Natalie Imbruglia - Torn (Single Cover)

In the end… all that a heartbreak mostly results in is pain and tears and emotional wasteland. But, with these songs, with a little help of your friends, with a lot of screaming and allowing yourself being angry and hurt you will be the one who stands up tall and eased and self-confident because you know you are stronger by going through the hard times. By working it out. By making yourself realize that if someone breaks up with you – he/she does not deserve it and isn’t worth the tears.



P.S.: Those who I call my friends know one things – no matter what time it is, no matter how far away I am – I am ALWAYS (again, with the capital letters) there for you.

Walking Disaster.

Kelly Clarkson - Stronger

In life there are certain days that just try to pull you down. Today sucked. I don’t know how and I don’t know why but I just did not feel my fabulous self. So I was at the office and all of a sudden I couldn’t breathe and I felt really weird and bad and horrible and outside the sun was shining and all I was able to think about was one thing, “I have to get out of here!” And so I took off. Because sometimes you can. And sometimes you just have to! The best decision for this day. I just needed the break. The sun. The fresh air prickling on my skin.

I took my Petar Petrov silk jacket, put on my Gucci Shades and left the building to take a walk. To breathe. To calm down. To get back to myself and to fucking get my own act together. Sometimes you’ve just got to leave the fight in order to win it. In order to be the strong one in the end. In order to win. In order to be the one who remains standing when all battling is done. But sometimes you can’t win because of the stress pressing down on you and even if you fight there is nothing you can do because of a whole load of double standards going on around you. And in this moment there is only one song that can help you! Turn it up loud as I did. Jump around in your flat singing to it as loud as possible. Scream to get rid of all the anger. AND even if you are a walking disaster – look around you! You aren’t the only one who is but you know you can be a walking disaster in one moment and fabulously amazing in the next!

Kelly Clarkson – You Can’t Win
(Album: Stronger)

If you go, they’ll say you’re following
If you don’t, then you’re too good for them
If you smile, you must be ignorant
If you don’t, what’s your problem?

If you’re down, so ungrateful
And if you’re happy, why so selfish?
And, you can’t win
No, you can’t win, no

The one who doesn’t quite fit in
Underdressed under your skin
Oh, a walking disaster
Every time you try to fly
You end up falling out of line, oh
You can’t win, no

If you’re thin, poor little walking disease
If you’re not, they’re all screaming obese
If you’re straight, why aren’t you married yet?
If you’re gay, why aren’t you waving a flag?

If it’s wrong, you’re knowing it
If it’s right, you’ll always miss
You can’t win, no
You can’t win, no

The one who doesn’t quite fit in
Underdressed under your skin
Oh, a walking disaster
Every time you try to fly
You end up falling out of line, oh
You can’t win, no

And you try, you try so hard
But it’s wearing on your heart
And you play, you play the game

But you pay, you pay for it
You can’t win, no
You can’t win no

If you speak, you’ll only piss ‘em off
If you don’t, you’re another robot
If you stop, they’ll just say you quit
If you don’t, you might lose your shit
You can’t win, no
You can’t win, no
You can’t win, no

The one who doesn’t quite fit in
Underdressed under your skin
Oh, a walking disaster

Every time you try to fly
You end up falling out of line, oh
You can’t win, no

I can’t win…

The one who doesn’t quite fit in
Underdressed under your skin
Oh, a walking disaster
Every time you try to fly
You end up falling out of line, oh
You can’t win, no

After jumping and dancing and screaming and allowing yourself to let go of all the anger and tension and stress and the world weighting heavy on your shoulders, you might feel a little eased? I did for sure. And that is why I had to share this with you!



You can't whine all the time.

My Personal New Year’s Eve

“You’ve got to dance like there’s nobody watching…”

“So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about…”

It’s snowing outside. I just returned home from the office and I have to say, against all the odds of snow – it’s beautiful. Glittery. Sparkling as the wind blows it all around me.

I’ve decided to take a walk after leaving the office. Enjoying the clean air. Breathing in what felt like a new beginning to something. A cleansing process for all that happened in the past. I made my peace with them somehow. I did not expect it to happen so soon, or with some, so late. But it happened. And it feels good. As I come home to write these lines I listen to “Auld Lang Syne” sung by Lea Michele in the movie New Year’s Eve and I have to say it feels as if this is my very own New Year’s Eve. The moment I am walking, passing by all the old, worn out memories that have no remedy or any feeling of regret but will be cherished as necessary for the process of growing up. Of growing up to be who I am this minute. And growing up to who I will be after these crucial minutes pass by.

That is what life is about, isn’t it? Growing up in good memories and bad ones. Taking them all to create something utterly beautiful that will be a piece of you forever because they helped you to develop your character further. Because those particular memories took your strength one moment to another, making you vulnerable to this wide open space of emotional ambivalence to give you the chance to rise again. Regaining strength by concentrating on the pain. Not just wishing it away by hoping for a fairy to materialize right in front of your eyes granting you a wish but by working on yourself. Your abilities. Your character. Your flaws as well as those particular parts of you that you’ve always considered your most beautiful. Your life. Your close environment as well as the bits and pieces of an environment that you would have never considered being attached to your life.

Life is a constant, never ending process of learning. Of growing. Of falling asleep and waking up again. Of falling down and getting up again. Of falling in love and realizing that it maybe never was love. And of falling in love all over again. Against your better judgement. Against your own doubts. Cherish the great moments and learn from the bad ones. Don’t push away what could be a rolling stone for becoming yourself more and more. Each step at a time.



My Most Favorite Quotes on Life:

You’ve gotta dance like there’s nobody watching,
Love like you’ll never be hurt,
Sing like there’s nobody listening,
And live like it’s heaven on earth.”
[William W. Purkey]

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
[Mae West]

“Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.”
[Mother Teresa]

“This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you’re going to mess up sometimes, it’s a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you’re going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends – they’ll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything – they’re your true best friends. Don’t let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they’ll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them – actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can’t give up because if you give up, you’ll never find your soul mate. You’ll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn’t mean you’re gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don’t, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about.”
[Marilyn Monroe]

When Playing Pretend Is the Only Option and Fighting the Only Way to Get Through Life

When everything in life seems kind of okay to you – why is there still this feeling of emptiness all around you with its ever present frown? No matter what you do, no matter how much you entertain yourself, no matter how many hours a day you work, no matter what kind of company you have – it won’t go away and stay upon you like a miserable shadow. Is it past? Is it things you have seen or done and couldn’t talk about so far? Is it something that still beats you down every time you actually think you are over it and have every trace of this pain left behind?

How to move on while being unhappy? How to move on and what to live for if you constantly feel like failing and falling and losing everything you have, everything you thought you were?

What about life the way it works right now? What about having dreams? And what about fighting for these? What about allowing yourself to cry not forcing yourself every minute of the day to keep your act together, playing the tough one, the untouchable guy with the disability of letting someone in where someone else has left havoc? What about saying out loud that you do not want to be or sleep alone instead of smiling and locking yourself up in your room working and reading and listening to music that awakes every emotional ambivalence you fear? What about you being honest to yourself? Not just incontrovertibly straightforward with everything you think but undeniably honest about what you feel. What about that? What about it? What about trying to say – yes, I am sad sometimes? What about really letting it go and just cry? Why hold inside what everyone does sometimes? Why playing strong when you just want someone to simply hold you because he feels your sorrow, he feels your pain and he feels your need for being hugged? Why not asking someone to please hug you because you feel like falling apart? Why are you falling apart when you always say everything is great and everything is picture perfect? Because it is not. And you know that. But, if you say it out loud you will realize the irrevocably truth. And you can’t live with that.

Instead you will go on – every single day of your life. You will say you feel great. You will say you are happy. You will say everything is alright and everything is swell. You are swell. Aren’t you? You are. Because you are a human being and that is what human beings are supposed to do ever since they come across the common term ‘society’ – play pretend and act as if everything is purely, perfectly and immaculately great. That’s society, that’s what life is about and that is how the game is being played. If you want to play ahead of it – on the top of every motion – you gotta play by the rules. The main rule is just one thing: People will use every tiny bit of flaw they discover against you – by all means.

Protect yourself. Guard yourself. Prepare your weapons. Life is a fight. And you are your only army. Are you willing and ready for it?



P.S. Song of the Day – The Civil Wars: Poison & Wine

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