Archive for Passion
In life there are a few things that matter to people more than they matter to others. Some can’t live without their family and friends. Others not without their pets. Personally, I think it is always important to choose for yourself what it is that one can’t live without – whether it seems to be either too emotional or too materialistic to others. In fact, others do not matter at all when it comes to finding the one thing that makes you who you are; a happy, confident, sparkling personality. Someone who fights to achieve a certain goal – someone who won’t back down to get whatever one has set in mind – someone who, when he/she falls down or struggles gets back up again to fight.
These things that matter are a catalyst for motivation. They give you something fundamental. Spirit. Passion. Desire. Fire.
When it comes to myself, my very own catalyst I have to say it isn’t just, as many of you would expect, my love for fashion. It is leaving my past behind. It’s a dream. Isn’t that really what keeps us working and getting up every morning – the dream of who we want to be? Shouldn’t who we are now always mirror who we want to be in the future?
At least that is one of the mottos I try to live and express every day. I am now (or, at least try to be) in some parts exactly where and how I see myself in a couple of years – on a personal level. But of course, I never want to stop to grow and learn and develop myself and give myself the chance to modify my innermost as well as my style in every possible way.
I want people to see fire in my eyes when I talk about my goals and dreams! I want to them to see my determination, my fire. This boy is on fire! And this fire will not just burn – it will inflame anyone and anything close to it!
Though this lack of sleep and rest is in my life right now I feel so full of energy! I want it all – I want to burst in flames. I want to work, I want to do everything that is in me to achieve every single piece of a dream I hold in mind since I can think and create dreams and hopes and wishes.
I can. I will. I am Fire!
In the first moment I thought, ‘Well, this must be the reason why people do not want to get hit by a bus…’ At least, I guess it must feel like this. Unexpectedly agonizing; deeply irritating and overwhelmingly weird. And within seconds it’s all gone. All the feelings, all the thoughts, all the deep meanings to something that has been but isn’t there anymore.
It’s been two years now. Plus, minus one week. I can’t remember exactly but I know it was October. The weirdest and most agonizing October I have ever had. I was in a dark place I put myself because I was overly dramatic and overly emotional, which lead me directly to being ridiculously irrationally driven by these emotions of just being dumbed by someone you’ve loved. And today I saw him. In a car right in front of my university building. For the first time since we broke up. He broke up with me. Not we. He.
Here I am now with these two years on my hands and on my Facebook timeline and I became aware of one thing tonight: THIS was crucial for final closure. On my way home from University I have thought a lot about times with W and once I arrived home, entering my own four walls through those double doors I realized – I grew a lot in more ways than I have ever expected of myself. In the first few moments of being at home during the change of my outfit I was thinking about what I was feeling. I couldn’t quite make it out. Was I sad? No. Was I angry? No. Was I grieving? No.
Then there it was. The realization of what I must have been waiting for… for forever. I felt nothing but the satisfaction of the moment of knowing that I really am fine with it. I have moved on and I feel like a better version of myself. Mr.StrictlyIntimate exists for three and a half years now. I have been through so much, emotionally and work relatedly. I have grown to become a skyscraper for the relationship with my ex showed me so many facets of being a human being without the necessity of always having to be perfect but being who you are with everything you are. Every flaw you think you hate but actually, deep within fucking love. Every piece of you that loves life. Every piece of you that burns for something – a passion; as wild as the hottest, sexiest kiss you have ever tasted on your lips. Every piece of a dream you work your ass of for. Every minute of a day you live and breathe and work and love and struggle just because you want to feel alive.
This is it! This is life. And it’s beautiful, immaculate, opulent, fantastic, passionate… it is everything you make it!
If you feel like breaking down because someone recently told you he/she doesn’t love you anymore – so be it! Break down! BUT get your ass back up again because life is A-MAZING! And it begins over and over again. Once you break down, you get back up and try again – harder and better than ever before! Over and over again. Because that is what makes you FEARLESS! That is what makes dreams beautiful: fighting for them with every piece of your heart.
After all, it’s his/her loss, isn’t it?!
I think people need obsessions. I sincerely do. I don’t think people need obsessions in an OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) manner but in a way to make themselves fall in love with something. A dream, a book, a song, a TV-Show, a movie, a person (not in a stalker-ish way but in a relaxed, ‘I don’t think I want to spend the rest of my life without you’-sort of attitude). Since the latter seems to be out of the picture for myself (at least just for the moment, hopefully) I have decided to go back to an old manner of obsessions. A new old one.
There was once a TV-Show, an American sports drama television series, to be more precise, starring Kyle Chandler, Connie Britton and (the fabulously handsome and beautiful) Scott Porter, who unfortunately decided to leave the show after season three. Nevertheless, Friday Night Lights is one of the most amazing drama series ever shown on TV and although the critics were very anticipated about the show praising it for its authenticity and acting, it unfortunately never obtained a sizeable audience. But, in all its glory the show was, because of its many awards (Peabody Award, Humanitas Prize, Primetime Emmy Award, etc.) and nominations, and the support of a strong fan-base, on air for five seasons consisting of a total of 76 episodes.
So, obviously this is my new (old) obsession – a TV Show that is off the air since February 9th, 2011 but couldn’t be kept out of my heart and mine. Most people do not know that I love football and that I ALWAYS stay up for the Superbowl even though I have to get up in the morning for work. It just is the greatest sport. Most people also don’t think I am a sports kind of guy even though I love to watch a great of sports but just particular ones like Football, Archery, Swimming and Basketball.
Enough of myself, back to topic: this series is, as stated before one of the most wonderful, powerful shows ever shown on TV. Not just because of its authentic view on life at a public high school or the pressure of adolescence and future plans but also the fact of the unbelievably well developed characters, their emotional depth and their great acting. To me, this is one of the gems of television history and I am going to relive it episode for episode. (And yes, I will admit, there will be a little bit of drooling involved every time I’ll see Scott Porter portraying Jason Street but hey, I am just a gay human being. But, between you and me – this is more than just a crush for I happen to think that Scott Porter is an amazingly talented actor whom I love watching on Hart of Dixie. Can’t wait for season 2 to start!)
So, if you’ve got some time either decide to get obsessed about this wonderful series or find yourself something to obsess about but please don’t stalk someone or get obsessed with murder, OK? Just some harmless little bit of obsessive fun.
I know, I am guilty. I am sorry. And I could (maybe even should) apologize a thousand times for not writing quite recently but you must know, my real life was getting the best of me and I found myself in a zone where I had mixed feelings towards the person I was becoming in the last couple of months. I was at a crossroads drifting right into moments of doubt when I finally found myself all shiny and new again believing in myself like I have never before. So I will save you the apology shit and just try to make it up to you.
You know, life gives you moments to decide whether you take the self-pitying road down to nowhere or the doubt-forgetting road up to where you belong – The STARS! I’ve decided for myself to be a star! And so should you.
It is time to stop thinking about doing something but really doing it. Like writing this blog here. Or, more recently I thought about getting an MA degree. I thought about that for over a year and finally I said to myself, ‘fucking do it NOW!’ and so I applied for a Master’s degree in Journalism and New Media and I was invited to the first round of entry exams. I had to wait about two months to get the next invite to the second and third round of entrance examination and you know what? About a month ago I got the news. I am in. I got one of the rare 35 spots. And I had to fight against over 250 others. So, if I can do it – so do you!
My new flat finally feels like a place I can call home. I have all my VOGUE and ELLE and all my books and clothes here. The furniture looks exquisite and I just feel great every time I enter my apartment through the double door entrance. Thank GaGa the dream of my own apartment came true.
And, when we talk GaGa we should talk ‘LADY GAGA – The Born This Way Ball’ which I attended last night. One word: EPIC!
It was the perfect mixture of all the words I love – Fashion, Music, Magic, Extravaganza, Spectacularity, Divinity and Love. (Okay, the last one is a word I only use in combination with things I love to do and never connected to people. You know my issues about this topic and because of a recent, quite painful event I have decided to keep this box of topics hidden from my life now.)
Let me tell you – Lady GaGa was amazing! I was so close to her that I almost cried because of a sudden rush of happiness to be this close to someone I would consider a) a real natural talent b) a style icon and c) someone the younger generation can look up to for inspiration, strength and love for something one does to get ahead in life! She truly is an inspiration to me. And her music a source of strength. When she played my two most favorite songs ‘Bad Kids’ and ‘Marry the Night’ I just lost it. My Monster claws have constantly been up in the air to support her and I knew she felt the support of all of us. It was simply divine. The best concert of my life and while I might still be talking in a rush of emotions here, I have to say that there have also been quite a few negative things about the organization of yesterday’s event. I just think you need to know both sides, the good and the bad. It is just the honest thing to write down. And you know me – I am all about honesty and straight forwardness. The 250 bucks for my VIP Ticket definitely weren’t worth it. And let me tell you – a lot of people were angry and have been crying. (The GaGa gift was a poster of the tour… could have guessed that. No one communicated that there would be just monster pit and no area for those in possession of a VIP ticket – what the hell where the 250 bucks for? Dinner and drinks? Sorry, but I could have had dinner before the event and bought my drinks at the main bar saving myself about 150 bucks. What a fail by the Organizers! I only got so close to her because I fought my way through all the gays and straights.).
But what was worth it was waiting for Lady GaGa – she just delivered an ecstatic, authentic, perfect show full of music, fashion and love! Thank you for that. It was divine. And she even performed a new song of her Album Project ‘ARTPOP’ – Princess Die.
“Highway Unicorn (Road to Love)”
Operation: Kill the Bitch (interlude)
“Born This Way”
“Black Jesus † Amen Fashion”
Mother G.O.A.T. Manifesto I (interlude)
G.O.A.T Briefing (interlude)
“Fashion of His Love”
Mother G.O.A.T. Manifesto II (interlude)
“Heavy Metal Lover”
“Yoü and I” (acoustic)
“Americano” / “Poker Face” (medley)
“The Edge of Glory” (acoustic + album)
“Marry the Night”
Conclusion: If you have the chance to see her because she is in your city or close to your city, or if you do not mind traveling to see her, just fucking do it! And do it now! SHE IS A GODDESS!
P.S.: For those of you who think by G.O.A.T. Lady GaGa refers to the animal I have to put the true meaning out there:
G.O.A.T. = Government Owned Alien Territory in Space which is also the whole theme of the ‘LADY GAGA – The Born This Way Ball’ Tour!
Every human being should have plans. Goals to reach. Achievements to render. Things to succeed in. Plain simply put – something to work for in order to make something special with your future and with yourself. Therefore, some people assemble a Bucket List, a collection of essentials and goals one wants to achieve throughout his or her life. And since I have never had something like a bucket list but always a lot of plans and dreams and goals to work and reach for I thought I might as well put them down here (because why should I want to keep something to myself if I can share it with you because you know as I am in Team A keeping a secret is something I simply don’t do!).
MY BUCKET LIST:
– Do a Sugar Cleansing for 28 days. (On May 4th I can put a check there. It starts on Saturday, April 7th. I hope I’ll get through it.)
– Finish a book and have it being published. (And have it later turned into a big Hollywood movie because it was oh, so fabulous and oh, so successful. Ka-Ching!)
– Publish an article in Vogue. (Dear Editors of Vogue. Every Vogue. If you read this please do not hesitate to hire me. Thank you very much. Yours, Mr.StrictlyIntimate.)
– Visit New York City for the very first time. (Planning to go there in September.)
– Live in a foreign country for at least one full year. (12 Months. 52 Weeks. 365 Days. And no month or week or day less.)
– Get in better shape. Permanently. You know, with sports. That is why I bought new running shoes and a training suit AND started to run again two days ago. (I will stick to it. I swear I will. I swear I will. I swear I will.)
– Get married. I may have lost my belief in love but somehow I can’t let go of this one thing that has been on my mind since I was a teenager. (What girl / gay guy doesn’t dream of THE one special big day where one can pull of white from head to toe without breaking about a thousand fashion rules?! By the way – I do not plan on wearing a dress. Just in case you might have wondered.)
– Witness something truly majestic. (Of course, I took that directly from a movie… what was it called again? Oh, yeah, the Bucket List. But no, really, this is something I need on my bucket list. I would even discuss the term majestic and might be willing to switch it with magic. Witness something truly magic. Any suggestions? Any volunteers?)
– Skydiving: Take my closest friend and jump out of a plane. (This is something I wanted to do since I was about 16. I thought that was something very special, very thrilling and very wonderful.)
– Buy a Hermès Birkin Bag. (Some people might think that this is a stupid thing to put on a bucket list because seriously 8.000 Dollars for a bag is like insane. I think I need to be completely and incontrovertibly insane some day. Well, some day when I have an amount of money like this lying around waiting for me to be spent.)
– Give an inspiring speech to a really big audience. (I think I could do that. No, not could. Can. I think I am pretty good at talking and speaking and being inspiring to some people. Above all because I have a lot of life experience.)
– Watch my sister graduate from University. That is something I really wish for. (I want to be at my sister’s graduation as the proud big brother who has a big surprise up his sleeves. One he has planned out since she started to study. Curious?)
I definitely could go on and on and on and on with this list but I think I stop right now to let you stop reading and start writing your own in order to outline your goals and concentrate on what matters to you and your heart.
P.S.: Special Add – something I always thought about but never dared to try. Well, up until now.
– The Art of Archery. (Finally I have made an appointment for my first lesson and it will be Sunday in 10 days. Looking forward to it with excitement a fit and healthy mind and a great attitudes towards an art that is thousands and thousands of years old and shall be treated with a lot of respect from my side!)
“You’ve got to dance like there’s nobody watching…”
“So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about…”
It’s snowing outside. I just returned home from the office and I have to say, against all the odds of snow – it’s beautiful. Glittery. Sparkling as the wind blows it all around me.
I’ve decided to take a walk after leaving the office. Enjoying the clean air. Breathing in what felt like a new beginning to something. A cleansing process for all that happened in the past. I made my peace with them somehow. I did not expect it to happen so soon, or with some, so late. But it happened. And it feels good. As I come home to write these lines I listen to “Auld Lang Syne” sung by Lea Michele in the movie New Year’s Eve and I have to say it feels as if this is my very own New Year’s Eve. The moment I am walking, passing by all the old, worn out memories that have no remedy or any feeling of regret but will be cherished as necessary for the process of growing up. Of growing up to be who I am this minute. And growing up to who I will be after these crucial minutes pass by.
That is what life is about, isn’t it? Growing up in good memories and bad ones. Taking them all to create something utterly beautiful that will be a piece of you forever because they helped you to develop your character further. Because those particular memories took your strength one moment to another, making you vulnerable to this wide open space of emotional ambivalence to give you the chance to rise again. Regaining strength by concentrating on the pain. Not just wishing it away by hoping for a fairy to materialize right in front of your eyes granting you a wish but by working on yourself. Your abilities. Your character. Your flaws as well as those particular parts of you that you’ve always considered your most beautiful. Your life. Your close environment as well as the bits and pieces of an environment that you would have never considered being attached to your life.
Life is a constant, never ending process of learning. Of growing. Of falling asleep and waking up again. Of falling down and getting up again. Of falling in love and realizing that it maybe never was love. And of falling in love all over again. Against your better judgement. Against your own doubts. Cherish the great moments and learn from the bad ones. Don’t push away what could be a rolling stone for becoming yourself more and more. Each step at a time.
My Most Favorite Quotes on Life:
“You’ve gotta dance like there’s nobody watching,
Love like you’ll never be hurt,
Sing like there’s nobody listening,
And live like it’s heaven on earth.”
[William W. Purkey]
“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
“Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.”
“This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you’re going to mess up sometimes, it’s a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you’re going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends – they’ll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything – they’re your true best friends. Don’t let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they’ll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them – actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can’t give up because if you give up, you’ll never find your soul mate. You’ll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn’t mean you’re gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don’t, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about.”