Archive for Soul
Isn’t it fair to let them know what we think about them instead of leading them on? (Mr.StrictlyIntimate)
On Monday I started counting down the days. Since waking up this morning I find myself constantly counting down the hours until my plane leaves for London early Saturday morning. I am not just fleeing from my mother tongue but also my mother — to be honest, from my whole family.
I am NOT the type of guy who enjoys being with his ‘loved’ ones on such occasions, after all, I am not even someone who likes to celebrate any festivity except for one — my own birthday last year. But that only because I was turning 25 — which equals a quarter of a century and therefore, marked a very special moment in my life and I felt the desperate need to celebrate myself. This turning point defined the moment where I was finally able to look into a mirror and see myself as the person I am with all my positive but also negative sides. And I embrace each and every one of them. Therefore, a big fat Burberry Birthday bash.
Back to the main topic — Saturday morning I’ll be off to not celebrating every single year’s most hyped and most overrated festivity of all – Christmas. I will be in London, toasting to myself and all I have achieved in my life but also to all the things that still are ahead of me. I will toast to my colleague J who will accompany me on my trip to not celebrating Christmas.
You may remember that once I actually tried to be all about the family or all about building up one myself with my ex-boyfriend exactly two years ago. Well, but just as “love” comes and goes, he decided to go and I was the one who was left behind, the broken-hearted, the one that was hurt and miserable during Christmas time. That acually was the moment where I have decided to never fall in love again — to never feel the need to celebrate Christmas with a family I never had and never will have — to build myself a relationship that will never work out the way I would want it to. Christmas, to me, is dead and will always be off topic. On a permanent level.
These heavy negative feelings towards that “special” time of the years don’t just resonate from the break up with my ex-boyfriend but also from the one with the ex before and also from my family history. That part maybe the most. I am not a family’s person because I really don’t like most members of my family. I don’t really know how “family” actually really feels because I never had those people who you could trust and rely on. I was always relying on just myself. Frankly spoken, I don’t care for calling them and neither do they care for calling me. (Of course, I shall mention that I have sister who is from utmost importance to me.) And, the part that might be very weird for you is, that I like it that way and am fine with it and I am not missing any of those family actions other people have to go through. Feels pretty fake to me, even though to them it might be real. Somewhere there is always a crack or a scar trying to hide from the eyes of an outsider. But we always know it’s there. Always.
Sometimes I feel like most people aren’t just worth being given the chance to enter your life — they don’t deserve it because they mostly just want to take advantage of you, or steal your shadow, or the power you try to build up yourself, or simply disappoint you in the end by not being honest. Honesty and loyalty is what I expect from people who want to be called friends. That is what people will always get from me — no matter what — honesty, sincerity, authenticity, loyalty. Once I call someone a friend, he or she can have my all, but lately I have come to the conclusion that most of the people I meet throughout my journey of growing up just aren’t worth it, as much as I might not be worth their energy or their time or their whatever it is that seems important to them. People come and go, and so do friendships — that’s the greatest thing about growing up, you get to meet so many brilliant people who can, if you let them, enrich your life and help you to grow on so many different levels. I want to stop labeling the relationships between people as being colleagues, or friends, or foes, or family, or frenemies, or love interests, or relationships, or sex buddies, or friends with benefits, or whatever we call those people we keep close to us and also on a certain distance.
I feel the need of making it clear to people that trust is something that can only be found in oneself. I trust myself, therefore, I will not put my faith or trust into others if I already know beforehand that they will disappoint me anyway. If I disappoint myself, it is my own fault and then it’s fine with me because I know next time I will make a change and make it better. Trusting others, just appears to be a waste of time to me. As much as it is a waste of time to be angry with people. And I am angry with rude behavior or massive flaws in manners constantly and I always have to remind myself not to be angry, not to care so much. Sometimes I just do.
The people I like will know that I like them because I am straight forward and say what I want to say. I am not a guy of many emotions, well I was, but not anymore. I have come to terms with telling people straight away to back the fuck off, or to stop annoying me, or to just move away or to stay and come closer. Or whatever it is I want from someone at a particular moment.
Truth, honest and straight forwardness can enrich all our lives and I think that with these attributes human relationships could move into a new direction of independence and sincerity. If people would just be straight faced to one another there might never be any problems between humans because we could learn to face the truth. Which is: Not everyone can like us AND we can’t like anybody. Isn’t it fair to let them know what we think about them instead of leading them on?
Think about that — wouldn’t we avoid to spend our times trying to not hurt other people’s feelings if we could just tell them we do not like them and do not want to have any kind of contact with them, right away? Wouldn’t that save us a hell of a lot of time as much as a huge load of energy we could probably use for better purposes?
In life there are a few things that matter to people more than they matter to others. Some can’t live without their family and friends. Others not without their pets. Personally, I think it is always important to choose for yourself what it is that one can’t live without – whether it seems to be either too emotional or too materialistic to others. In fact, others do not matter at all when it comes to finding the one thing that makes you who you are; a happy, confident, sparkling personality. Someone who fights to achieve a certain goal – someone who won’t back down to get whatever one has set in mind – someone who, when he/she falls down or struggles gets back up again to fight.
These things that matter are a catalyst for motivation. They give you something fundamental. Spirit. Passion. Desire. Fire.
When it comes to myself, my very own catalyst I have to say it isn’t just, as many of you would expect, my love for fashion. It is leaving my past behind. It’s a dream. Isn’t that really what keeps us working and getting up every morning – the dream of who we want to be? Shouldn’t who we are now always mirror who we want to be in the future?
At least that is one of the mottos I try to live and express every day. I am now (or, at least try to be) in some parts exactly where and how I see myself in a couple of years – on a personal level. But of course, I never want to stop to grow and learn and develop myself and give myself the chance to modify my innermost as well as my style in every possible way.
I want people to see fire in my eyes when I talk about my goals and dreams! I want to them to see my determination, my fire. This boy is on fire! And this fire will not just burn – it will inflame anyone and anything close to it!
Though this lack of sleep and rest is in my life right now I feel so full of energy! I want it all – I want to burst in flames. I want to work, I want to do everything that is in me to achieve every single piece of a dream I hold in mind since I can think and create dreams and hopes and wishes.
I can. I will. I am Fire!
In the first moment I thought, ‘Well, this must be the reason why people do not want to get hit by a bus…’ At least, I guess it must feel like this. Unexpectedly agonizing; deeply irritating and overwhelmingly weird. And within seconds it’s all gone. All the feelings, all the thoughts, all the deep meanings to something that has been but isn’t there anymore.
It’s been two years now. Plus, minus one week. I can’t remember exactly but I know it was October. The weirdest and most agonizing October I have ever had. I was in a dark place I put myself because I was overly dramatic and overly emotional, which lead me directly to being ridiculously irrationally driven by these emotions of just being dumbed by someone you’ve loved. And today I saw him. In a car right in front of my university building. For the first time since we broke up. He broke up with me. Not we. He.
Here I am now with these two years on my hands and on my Facebook timeline and I became aware of one thing tonight: THIS was crucial for final closure. On my way home from University I have thought a lot about times with W and once I arrived home, entering my own four walls through those double doors I realized – I grew a lot in more ways than I have ever expected of myself. In the first few moments of being at home during the change of my outfit I was thinking about what I was feeling. I couldn’t quite make it out. Was I sad? No. Was I angry? No. Was I grieving? No.
Then there it was. The realization of what I must have been waiting for… for forever. I felt nothing but the satisfaction of the moment of knowing that I really am fine with it. I have moved on and I feel like a better version of myself. Mr.StrictlyIntimate exists for three and a half years now. I have been through so much, emotionally and work relatedly. I have grown to become a skyscraper for the relationship with my ex showed me so many facets of being a human being without the necessity of always having to be perfect but being who you are with everything you are. Every flaw you think you hate but actually, deep within fucking love. Every piece of you that loves life. Every piece of you that burns for something – a passion; as wild as the hottest, sexiest kiss you have ever tasted on your lips. Every piece of a dream you work your ass of for. Every minute of a day you live and breathe and work and love and struggle just because you want to feel alive.
This is it! This is life. And it’s beautiful, immaculate, opulent, fantastic, passionate… it is everything you make it!
If you feel like breaking down because someone recently told you he/she doesn’t love you anymore – so be it! Break down! BUT get your ass back up again because life is A-MAZING! And it begins over and over again. Once you break down, you get back up and try again – harder and better than ever before! Over and over again. Because that is what makes you FEARLESS! That is what makes dreams beautiful: fighting for them with every piece of your heart.
After all, it’s his/her loss, isn’t it?!
Some time ago I believed in love – irrationally, dreamily, vulnerably. I believed that out there was the one person who was able to make you as happy as you possibly can be. I have had this love. Or, I believed I had it. I don’t know. I can’t put it to words… but I will try.
I know that out there is no one I could love as much as I have loved this very special man. He was handsome (still is, as far as I know), polite, had the sense of humor I loved and was in every possible way absolutely right for me. I was happy. Sometimes. Sometimes I was just sad because he wasn’t there. And sometimes because I wasn’t there. It seems, timing was all wrong for the two of us. Or, I was just not the right for him.
Now you may wonder – why past tense? Why am I writing in a time that has passed quicker as I could say ‘Burberry?’ Well, simply because I have realized that sometimes ‘to love is not enough.’ It is not enough to say ‘I love you’ a million times without taking actions, without really showing you that one’s love is able to cross boarders and move mountains.
As time passed by I changed and my belief in love was shattered. This is not supposed to be a story where you all feel sorry for me because I neither want you nor myself to feel sorry for that because we all know that things like that have happened to other people too. So that is what matters. That you are not alone when it comes to things like losing someone you’ve sincerely, dearly and honestly loved.
You should cherish the possibility of having been loved (even if not the way you would have wished it, maybe) or having been able to feel love towards someone, to express it. Because it is only a lost thing if you have never even tried to express what you feel for someone. That is the only waste – Not having experienced love at all.
I may have lost the faith in the existence of love and may have grown to be very cynical and sarcastic about ‘love’ and the way people treat it sometimes but that is only because I have experienced my personal high in loving someone, knowing that there is nothing that can top what was there already. Maybe that is the reason why I do not think about giving it another shot – because, well, simply put, nothing… no one can compare. Nothing and no one ever will. Some feelings are Untouchable. Like a distant star. Like Taylor Swift once sang.
Forgive me, if this might sound all cheesy again but since my cynical self mostly takes the upper hand when it comes to writing it might be a welcoming change to let some emotions come through. It won’t happen that often, trust me. At least for now I have them under control again. Have a fabulous start into the new week. Enjoy your evenings with a glass of wine, like I do. Shiraz. The most brilliant wine of all.