Archive for relationship
Isn’t it fair to let them know what we think about them instead of leading them on? (Mr.StrictlyIntimate)
On Monday I started counting down the days. Since waking up this morning I find myself constantly counting down the hours until my plane leaves for London early Saturday morning. I am not just fleeing from my mother tongue but also my mother — to be honest, from my whole family.
I am NOT the type of guy who enjoys being with his ‘loved’ ones on such occasions, after all, I am not even someone who likes to celebrate any festivity except for one — my own birthday last year. But that only because I was turning 25 — which equals a quarter of a century and therefore, marked a very special moment in my life and I felt the desperate need to celebrate myself. This turning point defined the moment where I was finally able to look into a mirror and see myself as the person I am with all my positive but also negative sides. And I embrace each and every one of them. Therefore, a big fat Burberry Birthday bash.
Back to the main topic — Saturday morning I’ll be off to not celebrating every single year’s most hyped and most overrated festivity of all – Christmas. I will be in London, toasting to myself and all I have achieved in my life but also to all the things that still are ahead of me. I will toast to my colleague J who will accompany me on my trip to not celebrating Christmas.
You may remember that once I actually tried to be all about the family or all about building up one myself with my ex-boyfriend exactly two years ago. Well, but just as “love” comes and goes, he decided to go and I was the one who was left behind, the broken-hearted, the one that was hurt and miserable during Christmas time. That acually was the moment where I have decided to never fall in love again — to never feel the need to celebrate Christmas with a family I never had and never will have — to build myself a relationship that will never work out the way I would want it to. Christmas, to me, is dead and will always be off topic. On a permanent level.
These heavy negative feelings towards that “special” time of the years don’t just resonate from the break up with my ex-boyfriend but also from the one with the ex before and also from my family history. That part maybe the most. I am not a family’s person because I really don’t like most members of my family. I don’t really know how “family” actually really feels because I never had those people who you could trust and rely on. I was always relying on just myself. Frankly spoken, I don’t care for calling them and neither do they care for calling me. (Of course, I shall mention that I have sister who is from utmost importance to me.) And, the part that might be very weird for you is, that I like it that way and am fine with it and I am not missing any of those family actions other people have to go through. Feels pretty fake to me, even though to them it might be real. Somewhere there is always a crack or a scar trying to hide from the eyes of an outsider. But we always know it’s there. Always.
Sometimes I feel like most people aren’t just worth being given the chance to enter your life — they don’t deserve it because they mostly just want to take advantage of you, or steal your shadow, or the power you try to build up yourself, or simply disappoint you in the end by not being honest. Honesty and loyalty is what I expect from people who want to be called friends. That is what people will always get from me — no matter what — honesty, sincerity, authenticity, loyalty. Once I call someone a friend, he or she can have my all, but lately I have come to the conclusion that most of the people I meet throughout my journey of growing up just aren’t worth it, as much as I might not be worth their energy or their time or their whatever it is that seems important to them. People come and go, and so do friendships — that’s the greatest thing about growing up, you get to meet so many brilliant people who can, if you let them, enrich your life and help you to grow on so many different levels. I want to stop labeling the relationships between people as being colleagues, or friends, or foes, or family, or frenemies, or love interests, or relationships, or sex buddies, or friends with benefits, or whatever we call those people we keep close to us and also on a certain distance.
I feel the need of making it clear to people that trust is something that can only be found in oneself. I trust myself, therefore, I will not put my faith or trust into others if I already know beforehand that they will disappoint me anyway. If I disappoint myself, it is my own fault and then it’s fine with me because I know next time I will make a change and make it better. Trusting others, just appears to be a waste of time to me. As much as it is a waste of time to be angry with people. And I am angry with rude behavior or massive flaws in manners constantly and I always have to remind myself not to be angry, not to care so much. Sometimes I just do.
The people I like will know that I like them because I am straight forward and say what I want to say. I am not a guy of many emotions, well I was, but not anymore. I have come to terms with telling people straight away to back the fuck off, or to stop annoying me, or to just move away or to stay and come closer. Or whatever it is I want from someone at a particular moment.
Truth, honest and straight forwardness can enrich all our lives and I think that with these attributes human relationships could move into a new direction of independence and sincerity. If people would just be straight faced to one another there might never be any problems between humans because we could learn to face the truth. Which is: Not everyone can like us AND we can’t like anybody. Isn’t it fair to let them know what we think about them instead of leading them on?
Think about that — wouldn’t we avoid to spend our times trying to not hurt other people’s feelings if we could just tell them we do not like them and do not want to have any kind of contact with them, right away? Wouldn’t that save us a hell of a lot of time as much as a huge load of energy we could probably use for better purposes?
‘Then I had a thought… Maybe I didn’t break him [Big], maybe the problem was he couldn’t break me. Maybe some women/men aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with.’
[Carrie Bradshaw – Sex and the City; Season 2; Episode 18: Ex and the City]
And there, sitting on my chaise longue, being on my 8th day of my 28 Days of Sugar Cleansing, watching numerous episodes of Carrie struggling with love and life and money problems while after episode 18 of season 2 it hits me and I have a thought. Maybe she is right – Carrie Bradshaw. Maybe some people (like me or, maybe even you?!) shouldn’t really try to be in a relationship with people who either can’t handle them, can’t seem to try or, who give up because it turns out to be too complicated and settle for something; someone more steady, simpler, less complicated.
Maybe there is someone out there who suddenly appears who will not stop to tame me (or you) but who will make an effort to keep up, because he wants to. Because he wants to run with me (or you). Because he is as wild and untamable as me (or you). Or, maybe one day we stand in front of each other after running and running and running together, deciding that it is finally time to calm down – not taming but soothing each other. Maybe one day the running is over and you can lean back to relax in the arms of someone who was there by your side – all along the wild way.
P.S.: Best Song of the Episode:
Barbra Streisand – The Way We Were
[Album: The Way We Were]
As a matter of fact it turned out that dealing with the end of a relationship isn’t as easy as I thought it would actually be…well not as I thought but as I hoped is more like it.
In times of loneliness and sadness you sometimes start to focus on thinking about yourself – your own needs, your future life, your goals, your friends and everything else that can or should be connected to the matters of a heart.
While I am deeply caught in the process of finding/meeting the real me I inevitably come across asking myself millions of questions on, as it turns out, I hardly have a sorted out answer, though I always happened to think of myself as being a totally psyched and planned out person.
So as I sit there in the metro, being on the way to catch up with K I find myself thinking if all these horribly dressed people around me do know what they are living for and if they have any back up plans in terms of plans going all wrong against every expectation? Is life really all about us and commiting to ourselves the only real chance of commiting at all? (Well, for some of us at least?)
I wonder – on the road of growing up, when did life become so serious, uneasy and insecure? Is it life or is it just us being scared of the future because we never know what we might get out of living with all those partly unnecessary emotions – the good as well as the bad ones?
What is it that gives us strength to go on? To keep on living every single day? Is it love? Well, hardly if you are all by yourself – without someone to love or without someone to be in love with you. Is it the thought, the hope of finding someone special who encourages you to fight through all the struggles that life puts you through?
Honestly, what is it that makes us get up every morning to face 24 hours of living when you actually never know what you might get or make out of it? Is it the thrill of the unexpected – not knowing what is out there? Or is it the excitement of what could be out there one day if your dreams may come true? And what if they do not – what happens then?
As I write these lines I come more and more close to the precise point of believing that life is defined by us torturing ourselves to become someone others expect us to become, because of certain achievements we’ve set in our minds – do we raise the bar of expectations all by ourselves or are we just trying to be better than anyone else around us?
What is it with us that we feel so much but know so less about emotions? What is it that we still try to aim for something we might never get the way we actually imagine it – the perfect partner, a wonderful family, a successful career with a safe job? All those thoughts have no meanings in real life, because here on this planet nothing is really safe and nothing seems meant to be – no love, no future and not even a thing called destiny. There is no destiny but the knowledge that if you work hard you someday might change everything.
That’s it as cheap and as easy as it may sound – as hard it is to live with this thought because it is desillusioning and taking every hope that fate changes life. It simply won’t. The only one who can change anything is you – all by yourself, without any help and without any romantic literary delineation of a fairy…you are the only fairy existing in your life. Make something with it – or else you will regret. Forever.
‘When you’re young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautios. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don’t leap at all because there’s not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there’s no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?’ [Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City, Season 6, Episode: The Catch]
Why do people try so hard to find someone to catch them before they are barely ready enough to save themselves? Is it really that hard to be a single in this world or is it just an unspoken law that singles are lost souls and dead until they found someone to hook up with and to marry afterwards? When did it become a crime to be single and when did it become law to mingle?
Since we can think we are being taught that in life you can be only happy if you find someone to be happy with, because that is the only possibility of leading a socially accepted life – with a family and kids. But as the gays came out of their pink boxes and women learned to be independent and people start teaching themselves the tales of life, it all came to a change and that is what we called Millenium – okay actually the Millenium was something we should have oversleput but there truly has been a remarkably change in the way people see single girls and boys. Sometimes they are a threat and sometimes they are being commiserated.
It is an unmistaken fact that once you are in a relationship you stop living the single boy’s/girl’s thought and start living the ‘I have to look if WE have plans’ – thought. Once you are in a realationship you do not care about those who commiserated you as a single, because you are one of those who see singles either as a threat or as something to be pity about, because you have someone to sleep at, someone to run to, someone to shower with and someone to get fucked by.
This goes out to all those who aren’t singles, because I am not a single anymore too [surprise, surprise], but please stop commiserating because there is nothing bad about being single. And there is nothing bad about not falling and not getting catched by someone – because singles nowadays are strong enough to catch themselves.
Live it. Free-spirited.