Archive for University
First of all, I don’t take myself that seriously. I take what I do seriously, and I try to do a good job. (Denzel Washington in GQ US Oct 2012)
At University I feel like being at a point of struggling lately. I don’t have a problem with my grades or my motivation or with the environment. I am actually quite comfortable there, though, there are a few things that really bug me, but hey, you can find things that bug you or make you mad or angry always somewhere, somehow. So, that’s no big deal for me.
As you already know from some earlier entries, I am getting my master’s degree in Journalism and New Media — if you haven’t known so far, you know now. These studies involve a lot of writing, heavy writing. Sometimes these written exposés try to take me out of my comfort zone and I’m going there, out of it. But early on, when signing the contract with the university, I kind of made a pact with myself. I swore to everything that’s worth the world to me, you know, Burberry; VOGUE; Jane Austen; that, no matter what I was about to say or write or do, it would always be consisting of three things: HONESTY, STYLE and AUTHENTICITY.
With everything I write and have people read I want them to not just get to know me and my point of view, I want to present them the perspective of someone finally having an opinion and putting it out there. Even if they do not agree with what I have to say or like the way I say things but at least, it makes them think about my words and actions and opinions and maybe even gets them to form their own opinions — either on me or the topics I write about. I don’t want people to always agree with me, I think most people don’t get that I live for making them speechless; wondering if I’m really being serious. I love to make people laugh or cry reading my words. I love people to be confused by my words; to later on think about what I said once. I want them to form an opinion about my words — either good or bad.
But, what I want the utmost is for them to always find ME in the words I write, the stories I tell!
That’s not because I think I am the most brilliant person in the world, or the most talented, or the most articulate, or the one everyone has to listen to. I know, compared to a lot of other more influential people I might am not influential at all but still — who I am reflects who I want to be. And one day I want to make a change. I want to show people that they can achieve anything they want if they truly stay themselves and go ahead with it. Pull it off relentlessly.
I just want people to know that they can rely on me having an opinion; having a character that I can put out there, a character that doesn’t give a fuck about the things other people say just because they do not like the fact that I’m straight forward and relentlessly sincere. That is the authenticity in my words. I know, I may put a lot of fashion words in writing because I love the visual language and emotional depth of clothing. I want to be a character, people trust because they know one hundred percent that I am honest with them, and straight forward, and that everything I say and write and do is authentically constituting myself. Giving them a part of something they might be able to relate to.
This is who I am and I can’t understand why people always try to force you to be more like the others or more formal or writing based on guidelines. I write what I think and feel and would say in every second I live and breathe, for everything I always wanted to do.
Don’t get me wrong — I do abide by a certain set of rules when it comes to writing, like grammar or spelling. But what I want people to understand and accept and respect and tolerate is the fact that out there one must be himself and unique in order to survive this crazy mixed up world. That is what I am — that is what I believe in — that is what makes me truly special and different. I know who I am and I always make sure people understand that no matter what I say and write and do — it’s done by myself. With outspoken HONESTY, sharp STYLE and one hundred percent AUTHENTICITY. All three in capital letters.
Take it, or leave it.
Every human being should have plans. Goals to reach. Achievements to render. Things to succeed in. Plain simply put – something to work for in order to make something special with your future and with yourself. Therefore, some people assemble a Bucket List, a collection of essentials and goals one wants to achieve throughout his or her life. And since I have never had something like a bucket list but always a lot of plans and dreams and goals to work and reach for I thought I might as well put them down here (because why should I want to keep something to myself if I can share it with you because you know as I am in Team A keeping a secret is something I simply don’t do!).
MY BUCKET LIST:
– Do a Sugar Cleansing for 28 days. (On May 4th I can put a check there. It starts on Saturday, April 7th. I hope I’ll get through it.)
– Finish a book and have it being published. (And have it later turned into a big Hollywood movie because it was oh, so fabulous and oh, so successful. Ka-Ching!)
– Publish an article in Vogue. (Dear Editors of Vogue. Every Vogue. If you read this please do not hesitate to hire me. Thank you very much. Yours, Mr.StrictlyIntimate.)
– Visit New York City for the very first time. (Planning to go there in September.)
– Live in a foreign country for at least one full year. (12 Months. 52 Weeks. 365 Days. And no month or week or day less.)
– Get in better shape. Permanently. You know, with sports. That is why I bought new running shoes and a training suit AND started to run again two days ago. (I will stick to it. I swear I will. I swear I will. I swear I will.)
– Get married. I may have lost my belief in love but somehow I can’t let go of this one thing that has been on my mind since I was a teenager. (What girl / gay guy doesn’t dream of THE one special big day where one can pull of white from head to toe without breaking about a thousand fashion rules?! By the way – I do not plan on wearing a dress. Just in case you might have wondered.)
– Witness something truly majestic. (Of course, I took that directly from a movie… what was it called again? Oh, yeah, the Bucket List. But no, really, this is something I need on my bucket list. I would even discuss the term majestic and might be willing to switch it with magic. Witness something truly magic. Any suggestions? Any volunteers?)
– Skydiving: Take my closest friend and jump out of a plane. (This is something I wanted to do since I was about 16. I thought that was something very special, very thrilling and very wonderful.)
– Buy a Hermès Birkin Bag. (Some people might think that this is a stupid thing to put on a bucket list because seriously 8.000 Dollars for a bag is like insane. I think I need to be completely and incontrovertibly insane some day. Well, some day when I have an amount of money like this lying around waiting for me to be spent.)
– Give an inspiring speech to a really big audience. (I think I could do that. No, not could. Can. I think I am pretty good at talking and speaking and being inspiring to some people. Above all because I have a lot of life experience.)
– Watch my sister graduate from University. That is something I really wish for. (I want to be at my sister’s graduation as the proud big brother who has a big surprise up his sleeves. One he has planned out since she started to study. Curious?)
I definitely could go on and on and on and on with this list but I think I stop right now to let you stop reading and start writing your own in order to outline your goals and concentrate on what matters to you and your heart.
P.S.: Special Add – something I always thought about but never dared to try. Well, up until now.
– The Art of Archery. (Finally I have made an appointment for my first lesson and it will be Sunday in 10 days. Looking forward to it with excitement a fit and healthy mind and a great attitudes towards an art that is thousands and thousands of years old and shall be treated with a lot of respect from my side!)
You may have notices that I haven’t written about love since quite a long time now, well, this could have been happening for many reasons like not being in a relationship, not having any dates or not having the potential ‘marry-me-right-away’ guy right there beside me, but actually the answer is simple and short. I try out a new kind of principle for myself basing on not rushing into sexual commitments [okay I never did that before to be honest – I do believe in not having one night stands and still being able to survive, which is maybe totally atypical for being a guy and gay at the same time – and that is actually a rare kind of gay guys, believe me. I only know a handful of these personally.] or relationships that do not last as long as it takes you to realize that you are falling asleep beside a guy you could never imagine being with more than one, five or ten years – and to be completely honest, that is not the way I am.
Those of you who know me, know, that I am a very romantic type of guy – believing in butterflies and zsa zsa zsu’s and heart’s racing every time the one you love comes an inch closer and lying beside one another without talking and just listening to the other one’s breath and bringing flower’s even if there is no particular reason and making gifts because you want to, not because the deadlocked traditions of a certain festivity tell you to. I often wonder how some couples do find one another because of the way they look and behave and talk [well that is what mostly absorbs me when I find myself in public transportations on the way to university, work and so on] and yes, I know this is quite superficial but sometimes I think of it being quite unfair that they have someone and well I am on my own 24/7.
Please, do not get me wrong here, I do not have a problem with being alone or not being in a relationship, I am 22 – I have my whole life waiting for me and right at the moment I have so much stuff to do that I would not even be able to spare some time for a potential boyfriend, but it is just the thought that it could not even be different that creeps me out.
I totally grant others love and happiness and long term relationships and commitments with the signature of happy-ever-after, but I want that too. One day. I want the one I love deeply, honestly and truthfully standing right in front of me in he heaviest rain of all times confessing his love and kneeling down on one knee. I want the most passionate kiss when he picks me up from work even though I look like just coming from hell. I want a man waiting with some starbucks [grande extra hot caramel macchiato with an extra shot caramel] to pick me up from work as a surprise because he couldn’t wait to see me, because he missed me.
So back to my new principle. At the moment I am all about work – kind of completely soaked up with stuff to do and well, that is the only thing I concentrate on at the moment – not thinking about love and what coulda, woulda, shoulda have been. Life is the way it is. Here and now. At the moment. And that is everything that counts. That is what I live for – my very own here and now the way I want it to be. My heart’s desires, my dreams and my realities.
A couple of days ago I had a discussion with some of my fellow students about love and relationships in comparison to our momentary working situation with all the bachelor stuff we have to do and I was kind of the only one in the position to say that I love to be all about my work. Only about it actually right now. I do not seperate private life and work life because my work life is my private life and I ask myself and every single reader of this blog – isn’t this what work is about?! Loving, enjoying it so much that you do not have to seperate it from your private life, but letting it harmonise, merge with it. Work completes me, because I love what I do and I do not love it from 8 a.m. to 6 p.m. because these are my working hourse [or hours I am at University], no, I love it 24/7, every single minute and every single second of every single day and every single week of every single month in every single year. That is what I am about and that is what I do. Exactly this fact is, what helps you to realize that you have found your dream job. If you have it – go for it – fight for it!
Today I was at University taking a photography class with one of my most favourite teachers. Some of the pictures I took will be online shortly, of course after reviewing and retouching them – I am a professional and I do know that no model wants anybody to see their blemishes.
After that B. [I talked about her many times before, she is one of my best friends] picked me up and we went out for a hot chocolate and a strong coffee before we attended a yard sale at someone’s place, which was totally freaky, unnecessary and such a waste of time, that we were gone after about 20 minutes [maybe even less].
For a couple of hours M. [Matthias – I think I can name him here, unless I am not gossiping about him] and I have been working on a very secret project which will be official and lauched soon enough for you to know. My father picked me up and we went out eating something and talking just like father and son should do – well, sometimes at least.
In the car on the way home the radio played a song, that is one of my all time and most beloved favourites. It is actually quite a simple song in its melody, but the lyrics touch the heart – and the voice of Tracy Chapman always sets me off the ground and transports me in right into another reality, where nothing is the same and where I realize that nothing is actually as right and perfect as it should be. At this point of time I think we should thank Tracy for talking about things others are afraid off, for standing up in times where no one had the balls to stand up and talk about a revolution – just as she did. Thank you for being you – incredible, unforgettable and inimitable.
TRACY CHAPMAN – FAST CAR
You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere
Anyplace is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we’ll make something
But me myself I got nothing to prove
You got a fast car
And I got a plan to get us out of here
I been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
We won’t have to drive too far
Just ‘cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living
You see my old man’s got a problem
He live with the bottle that’s the way it is
He says his body’s too old for working
I say his body’s too young to look like his
My mama went off and left him
She wanted more from life than he could give
I said somebody’s got to take care of him
So I quit school and that’s what I did
You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way
I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped ’round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone
You got a fast car
And we go cruising to entertain ourselves
You still ain’t got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
You’ll find work and I’ll get promoted
We’ll move out of the shelter
Buy a big house and live in the suburbs
You got a fast car
And I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I’d always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me would find it
I got no plans I ain’t going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving
You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so you can fly away
You gotta make a decision
You leave tonight or live and die this way
Close your eyes and enjoy the right in the fast car right beside Tracy and her guitar and me in the backseat typing these lines and thinking about running away but staying in my fast and rapid moving life.
P.S.: Good news – funny news that made me laugh on saturday, when I heard them. N. actually did receive a written admonishment by our boss. Reason? Well she was just being stupid, but hey by now you should know that this is just the way N. was born – stupid, naiv and promiscuous.