Archive for Love
In the first moment I thought, ‘Well, this must be the reason why people do not want to get hit by a bus…’ At least, I guess it must feel like this. Unexpectedly agonizing; deeply irritating and overwhelmingly weird. And within seconds it’s all gone. All the feelings, all the thoughts, all the deep meanings to something that has been but isn’t there anymore.
It’s been two years now. Plus, minus one week. I can’t remember exactly but I know it was October. The weirdest and most agonizing October I have ever had. I was in a dark place I put myself because I was overly dramatic and overly emotional, which lead me directly to being ridiculously irrationally driven by these emotions of just being dumbed by someone you’ve loved. And today I saw him. In a car right in front of my university building. For the first time since we broke up. He broke up with me. Not we. He.
Here I am now with these two years on my hands and on my Facebook timeline and I became aware of one thing tonight: THIS was crucial for final closure. On my way home from University I have thought a lot about times with W and once I arrived home, entering my own four walls through those double doors I realized – I grew a lot in more ways than I have ever expected of myself. In the first few moments of being at home during the change of my outfit I was thinking about what I was feeling. I couldn’t quite make it out. Was I sad? No. Was I angry? No. Was I grieving? No.
Then there it was. The realization of what I must have been waiting for… for forever. I felt nothing but the satisfaction of the moment of knowing that I really am fine with it. I have moved on and I feel like a better version of myself. Mr.StrictlyIntimate exists for three and a half years now. I have been through so much, emotionally and work relatedly. I have grown to become a skyscraper for the relationship with my ex showed me so many facets of being a human being without the necessity of always having to be perfect but being who you are with everything you are. Every flaw you think you hate but actually, deep within fucking love. Every piece of you that loves life. Every piece of you that burns for something – a passion; as wild as the hottest, sexiest kiss you have ever tasted on your lips. Every piece of a dream you work your ass of for. Every minute of a day you live and breathe and work and love and struggle just because you want to feel alive.
This is it! This is life. And it’s beautiful, immaculate, opulent, fantastic, passionate… it is everything you make it!
If you feel like breaking down because someone recently told you he/she doesn’t love you anymore – so be it! Break down! BUT get your ass back up again because life is A-MAZING! And it begins over and over again. Once you break down, you get back up and try again – harder and better than ever before! Over and over again. Because that is what makes you FEARLESS! That is what makes dreams beautiful: fighting for them with every piece of your heart.
After all, it’s his/her loss, isn’t it?!
Some time ago I believed in love – irrationally, dreamily, vulnerably. I believed that out there was the one person who was able to make you as happy as you possibly can be. I have had this love. Or, I believed I had it. I don’t know. I can’t put it to words… but I will try.
I know that out there is no one I could love as much as I have loved this very special man. He was handsome (still is, as far as I know), polite, had the sense of humor I loved and was in every possible way absolutely right for me. I was happy. Sometimes. Sometimes I was just sad because he wasn’t there. And sometimes because I wasn’t there. It seems, timing was all wrong for the two of us. Or, I was just not the right for him.
Now you may wonder – why past tense? Why am I writing in a time that has passed quicker as I could say ‘Burberry?’ Well, simply because I have realized that sometimes ‘to love is not enough.’ It is not enough to say ‘I love you’ a million times without taking actions, without really showing you that one’s love is able to cross boarders and move mountains.
As time passed by I changed and my belief in love was shattered. This is not supposed to be a story where you all feel sorry for me because I neither want you nor myself to feel sorry for that because we all know that things like that have happened to other people too. So that is what matters. That you are not alone when it comes to things like losing someone you’ve sincerely, dearly and honestly loved.
You should cherish the possibility of having been loved (even if not the way you would have wished it, maybe) or having been able to feel love towards someone, to express it. Because it is only a lost thing if you have never even tried to express what you feel for someone. That is the only waste – Not having experienced love at all.
I may have lost the faith in the existence of love and may have grown to be very cynical and sarcastic about ‘love’ and the way people treat it sometimes but that is only because I have experienced my personal high in loving someone, knowing that there is nothing that can top what was there already. Maybe that is the reason why I do not think about giving it another shot – because, well, simply put, nothing… no one can compare. Nothing and no one ever will. Some feelings are Untouchable. Like a distant star. Like Taylor Swift once sang.
Forgive me, if this might sound all cheesy again but since my cynical self mostly takes the upper hand when it comes to writing it might be a welcoming change to let some emotions come through. It won’t happen that often, trust me. At least for now I have them under control again. Have a fabulous start into the new week. Enjoy your evenings with a glass of wine, like I do. Shiraz. The most brilliant wine of all.
Outfit of the Day: blue Burberry swim pants; trench colored Burberry polo shirt with classic house check collar; trench colored Burberry pants; foldable black Burberry Sunglasses and brown-trench colored Tommy Hilfiger boat shoes accompanied by a beige colored bag that I bought on a market in Zagreb for 100 Kuna which equal approximately 13 Euros.
The temperature is finally the way we wanted it to be – okay, to be honest, the sea could be a little bit warmer but still the weather is perfectly fine to lie around on the beach getting an amazing tan and taking some little dips in the clear green blue sea.
Right at the moment of writing these lines I am lying on the beach soaking up the sun and feeling as inspired as never before. Though I had some troubles with my body through the night (I felt a bit feverish and really sick) I have to say that I feel better now lying here reading books and piles of Vogue and every now and then taking a little dip in the most natural and most beautiful of pools – the Croatian Sea.
Freshly showered I enjoy the rest of a little bit of sun while everyone else takes his turn showering in order to get ready for a grocery shopping trip. Tonight there’s going to be a little barbecue to celebrate A’s birthday which was exactly one week ago but since I had my own little big bash I wasn’t able to congratulate him the way I should have. With a bit of my attention and a feast.
Grocery shopping this time went unpredictably co-ordinated, which was quite a relaxing fact for my tormented soul. I find it rather hard to relax when being on vacation considering the fact that I always have work in my mind in backup on my MacBook. So you see – work is always on my mind. Not love, necessarily but I will come back to holiday thoughts on love a little bit later.
Everyone is in preparation. Salads, sauces, meat and vegetables. 4 Women, 5 Men and 100 tasks to do. But as you might know – everything I do I do with style and so do the others. Shortly after starting cutting the vegetables, preparing sauces and meat and the grill we were able to start the barbecue party. A lot of talking, a lot of drinking, a lot of laughing and definitely a lot of eating later we found ourselves in a new round of Trivial Pursuit, which seems to automatically always end in discussing and arguing about the funniest of questions. So, there we are on one side trying to answer ridiculously hard questions and then on the other hand wondering how the hell the weirdly easiest of other questions happened to find their way into a game that makes us all feel plain stupid all at once. Anyhow, we are great. And, the team I was in won – not because of me, necessarily but at least I was a part of the winning team. That is what counts, isn’t it?
P.S.: Quoting Sarah I have to point out that the Trivial Pursuit game was really a head to head thing and we just won with an inch ahead. Okay, a question ahead is more like it. Still, we won but we have to say – you played well and you could have won too. If we hadn’t had that one more piece of stone for our Trivial Pursuit circle.
P.S.: All pictures taken by Speedfreak.
…you can’t have everything that you want.
What should have been just an update to my profile page on Facebook turned out to be something that haunted me the whole day – You can’t have everything that you want…
I met with my sister because she wasn’t feeling well and we picked up something from McDonalds – I just had some ice cream and she ate some chicken nuggets. We sat there at the Danube talking about the last couple of days and after several changes of topics we came to talk about dreams. Lost dreams. Dreams we have. Dreams we can’t give up. Dreams one has to give up. And then she said, ‘One can’t have everything that one wants…’ I look at her and wonder, ‘Is that really what you think?’
I met with K afterwards for a little swim and enjoying the sun and now as it goes down I sit here watching the sun gently kissing the water to wave the day goodbye and I get calm. It’s the perfect sunset. It was a good day. But I couldn’t relax completely because this thought kept working inside me. It’s the perfect moment, here with friends and a little bit of peace. It is time to think about it – the sentence that haunts me the whole day long and won’t let me go. Really shaking me to my core.
You can’t have everything that you want.
You can’t have everything that you want.
You can’t have everything that you want.
And as I look up from my MacBook facing the beautiful Danube landscape I realize that this is all just bullshit. I smile watching the wind drawing circles in the water while my thoughts are drawing circles in my mind. If people already know they can’t have something particular because, well, as they say you can’t have everything that you want, why do some of them still try to get it? Everything. Why don’t they just give up? Why don’t they just leave all their dreams behind settling for something ordinary that one day will make them tired because they regret never having tried to reach for that one special feeling that makes you feel like you are the biggest star shining on the black horizon suddenly helping it to glow with joy and glory and love?
You can have everything that you want.
You can have everything that you want.
You CAN have everything that you want!
You just have to work for it and sometimes you’ll have to work for it really hard. And sometimes you will be exhausted. And sometimes you will think about giving up. But if you don’t; if you never dare to give in you can get it all. Every dream – may it be the biggest dream one could even draw in his imaginative mind. It will come alive one day. Because with hard work, patience, dedication, determination and love one can have it all.
So, if someone tells you that you can’t have everything that you want – just stand up straight, put your chin up, look them straight in the eye and say, ‘I can and I will.’ And work for it. And live for it. And dream about it. Every single day of your life and one day you’ll wake up realizing that you’ll have achieved every goal you’ve reached for. And then you will get up in the morning and if you really are a dreamer there will be a new dream to reach for, live for, work for. And you will. Because deep in your heart you know that YOU CAN HAVE EVERYTHING THAT YOU WANT! And you will.
So this is it. I am going cold turkey. NO, neither on alcohol (done that before during Lenten season) nor on fashion (I’m not plain stupid!). I am going cold turkey on sugar. Yeah, you are right I am starting to take on my bucket list and though I actually planned on starting tomorrow I just got up at 6 am this morning and decided that this Friday would be THE perfect day to start.
At the moment I am feeling quite good and can focus very clearly on this text so I thought it would be a great idea to teach you all a little bit about the sugar cleansing program while GCB (Good Christian Bells, an ABC Show basing on the originally titled book Good Christian Bitches by Kim Gatlin) is playing on my TV.
the Do’s and Don’ts of Sugar Cleansing
– Fruit Drinks that aren’t 100% Juice
– Desserts (any kind – sorry guys but one’s gotta do what one’s gotta do!)
– Processed Food
– Avoid anything containing white or brown sugar; raw sugar; fructose (except for fresh fruit itself); maltose; sorbitol; evaporated cane juice; xylitol and barley malt
– Not doing any kind of Activity
– Three or four ounces of lean protein with every meal
– Fresh Fruit
– Whole Grains (Brown Rice, Legumes)
– Plain and Unsweetened Yogurt (if you like taste in your yogurt you can add little fresh fruit or stevia or agave to it)
– Salad (for dressing only use olive oil or vinegar or both together)
– At least 30 minutes of Sports every single day (Cardio, running, swimming – whatever you feel like doing)
– Eat enough Protein
– Stick to low glycemic foods
– Check with your Doctor if such a detox could put you to any physical risk because of insulin resistance or hypoglycemia (only the one who plays it safely plays it correctly!)
A lot of people might wonder why I want to do that or actually already started relinquishing sugar – well, here’s an answer: To a healthy mind belongs a healthy body. The average person consumes 150 pounds of sugar a year, which doesn’t seem quite healthy to me and I want to finally have a perfect balance between my body and my mind. I want to feel really great again and I can only achieve that with sports, a cleansing to get all the crappy stuff out of my system, great clothes (that I already have as you may know) and my friends. The latter two I have – the other things I still have to work on. Sports is on my daily list since a couple of days now and the cleansing started today so I guess I am on a pretty good way to get in shape. At least the shape I expect myself to have. This is who I do this all for. Myself. Pretty selfish, I know BUT as I always love to point out – how can you expect someone else to love you if you can’t love yourself? And I am working on fully loving and embracing myself again.
What are you up to the next 28 days?
PowerSong of the Day:
Jennifer Lopez featuring Pitbull – On the Floor
[Album: LOVE? (Deluxe Edition)]
This is an amazing day. A short day at the office. The sun shining as bright as never before this winter season and I finally feel like spring is softly knocking on my shoulder telling me to dress up in spring collections. TGIS – Thank God it’s Springtime! And I feel so damn good today!
I even am inspired to push myself getting back to working a bit on fashion again – and thanks to whom? The one and only Vera Wang. To me there is hardly anyone as inspiring as Vera is. Her bridal couture personifies the romantic dreams of giving love and being loved as well as looking forward to a day where a woman puts on the most beautiful gown of her life and a man wearing the most perfectly fitted suit he ever had in order to meet one another at a most special point of life. The aisle. Where a woman is supposed to marry the man she loves and where both man and woman should be allowed to marry whomever they want – in the eyes of a God they believe in, of a church that accepts them the way they are, with all the choices they are making.
(Design by Vera Wang. Photography by Carter Smith. Models: Shu Pei and Tian Yi.)
Every now and then, when I watch people interacting or talking to one another I see one thing. Even in today’s society – where computers develop faster than the human race possible could; where human beings overcome their own frontiers and borders in order to develop bigger things than ever before, we are stuck in pretending to accept one another while talking behind their backs, acting against the actual human right of being free and happy and allowed to love whoever you want as well as being allowed to be loved. Openly. Without feeling the necessity of hiding in a closet where all the loneliness comes together and might mess up ones heart and thoughts and soul until the point where there is no return. And then once this point comes everyone acts surprised and shocked and sad even though they are well aware of the fact that they could have prevented it by accepting, tolerating and above all accepting someone for being who they are/were.
Between you and me – I am not the one to point his finger on someone’s flaw since I for myself often judge by not being tolerant enough to accept every person that crosses my way the way they are. I wish I could. Like my sister. Or like my wonderful friend Brigitte. But unfortunately I still have to work a lot on that subject though my judgment is less on the sex, gender or race but more on the fact that some people just don’t give a damn how they look or present themselves to and in society and the people around them. It is a thing I just can’t understand. But as I said, I promise to work on it. On myself. Developing my character further. Embracing other people’s flaws as well as my own and accepting different opportunities not just on a fashion matter but on general terms too.
So – why not for once trying to think about a world where all the people have the same rights? Where all the people have a home and right to love. Whomever they choose. Whomever they want.
“Life’s too short to even care at all…”
All things bright and glittery and new? Or better stay the same and take the safe bet? What is your choice? Does it make any sense to change who you are in order to become the person you’ve always wanted to be? Or is it insane to reach for some things that might never come true because it would be irrationally stupid to believe in them?
Have you ever thought that maybe the most ridiculous, most insanely believed dreams are those that are worth risking your life or losing something in order to achieve them?
The thing is that I have been taught one thing throughout living this life, to worry. Ever since we grow up, jumping from Junior High School to High School to University we are being taught by our parents and by society that only those who worry and care about their grades and manners and behaviors are those who achieve the most. And I tried and tried to be good. But I simply wasn’t. I failed. And I failed again. And then one day I was fed up and stopped trying. And it worked out. All of a sudden. All out of thin air my grades became what I always wanted them to be. I listened to what my teachers had to say and I did not feel the necessity to study 24/7 because I understood that even if I try hard and study hard I need to have a balance. I needed to make sure that there was (and still is) an equilibrium between being a good student and having a life that I can enjoy to its fullest.
No one than yourself can decide what is good for you. If you understand the concept of visiting school every single day and making your A-Level and either going to University or working, you are the one who has to make the decision! You are the only one who can choose what is good for you. What is worth living for. Dreaming for. Working for. Hoping for. Even if you fail – it is up to you to get back up again, back on track and show all the bastards that made you doubt in yourself and your talents what you are made of!
That is the joy of being young! Living this life the way you want to. Taking it and turning it into your own TV-Show. Your own blockbuster Movie!
Where is the sense in being young if you do not enjoy what you have. A life worth living. Take the drama and get along with it. Be inspired by all the sadness and turn it into something amazing. If there was one thing I have learned from all the bad and all the sad and all those dramatic experiences that felt like a shadow heavy on my heart it was to draw from them, gaining strength from them, developing my own character further to become what I am now.
Stronger. Self-confident. Proud of what and who I am. Still doubting myself sometimes, of course but how can you grow and develop your character further without doubting in order to start working on something? If you don’t like yourself start working on that and NOT on finding someone to be in a relationship with just to burry all the discontent with yourself.
As I said before, and as I will say many more times – you are the one person you’ll have to get along with for the rest of your life. So why hating yourself, taking this life way too seriously instead of being proud of who you are, loving yourself, learning to appreciate everything you see when looking into a mirror and having fun every single day of your life!
Why being sad if you can be happy instead? Why being depressed about something longer than necessary if you might as well could take the anger and pain and turn it into something amazing?
P.S.: If you doubt – play this video, get the fuck up and dance, dance, dance!